Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 71-All My Doubts and Fears Come Undone (Robbin Crosby)

Feb.14, 1987.... god, what I can tell you about that date? That it was the date of my 'death', the date my son was born a MONTH early because I overdosed on Heroin and caused Nikki so MUCH pain...yeah all that's true. I was reminded, but...I bottled for Nikki, I was determined to replace the bad memories with good ones or soften the bad ones. Celebrating Valentine's Day, an ACTUAL celebration and not just one consisting of fucking and shooting up and it was my son's first birthday...Nikki was at that point 3 months pregnant with our second child....and so many precious memories WERE made. Nikki KNEW something was wrong, of course he did.... but I felt he and our son, and our unborn were far more important. But I fucking STRUGGLED mentally and where you will find me is the day after Valentine's & My Son's birthday......having a fucking break down, my doubts and fears though this day would come undone.... i couldn't have gotten thru it if it weren't for Nikki.... though I felt guilty as fuck initially him having to take care of me....and one more thing, little did I know that.... Nikki'd taken the time to have Kingston stay with a sitter for a bit aka Juan and Bobby, who surprisingly were good with kids.... because he KNEW.

Nikki knows something IS wrong.... It's been a year. A YEAR since I killed myself and saw the light. I SAW Nikki when I died...its my fault Kingston was born early, my fault.... i never meant to let it go so far.... NEVER. its...all of it has been and is bitter-sweet as fuck. Yesterday I wanted to make good memories and I genuinely DID enjoy my son's birthday and I romanced Nikki too because he deserves that and then some and because I wanted to....but always on the edge of tears, I didn't want to worry Nikki and I have....my fault.....why, why does the PAST hurt so much?...and to breathe?......huh....is it quiet...I don't hear my son.....WHERE is HE?

Curled up in a ball, sobbing...screaming.....I just....can't Nikki...Nikki.....and then something no NIKKI breaks thru.....Warm bass roughened hands, I can FEEL him and I become somewhat aware as he holds me and I cling to him with all my might, being mindful of the precious baby growing inside Nikki....and I only feel guilty....

"ROBBIN.... SHHH, I'm here, ok? You're not alone Bear-Bear, you're not.... you don't have to feel guilty .... i know it HURTS...but right now, BREATHE." Nikki pleads, trying so hard to soothe me and I need that.... need him.

"S-SON?" I managed to croak out.

"He's with Juan and Bobby, they left not long ago...he's fine I promise..." Nikki cries, "Just breathe, ok?"

"HURTS." I croak, burying my face in Nikki's neck inhaling his scent slowly, slowly I calm and shake a lot less, until I can talk. "---Nikki, I...I.... didn't wanna worry you and I HAVE, and I am so fucking sorry! I..." Nikki cuts me off kissing me.

"Hey...its OK. It's gonna be ok.... Now let's talk. Please bear-bear----" Allow me to interject a moment, if you are wondering why Nikki called me or yes still calls me 'bear-bear', its because he told me and still does, I am his teddy bear, and cuddly. Yes, its cutesy, and I don't care...Nikki and I don't. everyone has their pet names for their partner after all..., "---I've got you ok?"

"Ok." I exhale raggedly, and I carefully despite Nikki's protests pick him up and getting him settled on the couch and fetching his sudden cravings for chips and sour pickles and once that is done, while he eats I cling to him...having to touch some part of him to ground myself, try to anyway, "—Nikki" I start out, "I just...I don't know FELT it was more important to make memories, trying in a way to replace or soften the pain of last year. I just...genuinely wanted to make those memories and make things special and I DID, I DID enjoy them.... but I was...AM a MESS. I've been bottling my feelings cause I felt you and OUR children were more important than my feelings. I mean..." I exhale raggedly once more in tears and already Nikki is finished with his cravings, as I pull him closer to me. "—LOOK what the fuck I did you, I put you thru hell.... i wasn't there when you needed me, I made our son arrive a month early.... i chose DRUGS..." Sobbing now, "—Over you. I DIED and I saw YOU.... saw YOU......i died that day, the old me I did I guess...and I saw the light.... I just why do the past hurt so damn much?"

Nikki who by now is also crying, gently takes my hands and places them on his swollen stomach, his voice despite being husky from tears is also firm...firm and LOVING. "LOOK at me.... listen to me Robbin....as much as I fucking hated you, I still....my heart refused to let you go then, and I refuse to let you go now or ever. The point is, we loved each other from the start, but didn't see it. I was into heroin....it ruined my life, and it also saved it, strange as it is to say....it gave me a son, OUR son, gave me motivation to get sober...stay sober and ultimately it leads to us truly falling in love with each other and still we are always learning. The day you 'died' you despite being in tremendous physical pain, still saw our son.... You realized you loved him, loved me and wanted to make things right. You earned my heart, my trust....and now, look at US. Married, a child and one on the way, we DID this...YOU DID this. I know you hated not being physically there, and with this pregnancy this...having you take care of me is also new to me as well. Stop bear-bear feeling so guilty. The point of all this is you stepped up, you changed...you still are evolving, and I am so fucking PROUD of you Robbin Crosby. I fucking love you, never forget that. You're an amazing father, husband...you name it."

I rub his swollen stomach looking down at our hands leaning into kiss his stomach and whispering to our...somehow, I KNOW it's our daughter, "Daddy loves you...loves mommy so much." Before I raise my head up to caress Nikki's face, "I LOVE YOU...Nikki, I wouldn't be here in the end with out you. I could never let you go even when I didn't see.... you make all my doubts, my fears...come undone. And we're partners.... i should never be afraid to share things with you...and you are so fucking right my QUEEN....so right, I mean look how far each of us has come in our journeys of our sobriety, our love.... just THANK YOU."

I notice Nikki is getting sleepy and he yawns...

"Baby, let's get you taking a nap and I tell you what, I'll take one with you."

"Deal." Nikki yawns again, so I scoop him up carefully, him burrowing into me being mindful of our precious little peanut growing inside my love as I make my way upstairs, and carefully tuck Nikki in under the covers, him already being asleep, so quickly I strip down to my boxers and join him, Nikki instinctively seeking my warmth as I pull him to me.

"I love you Nikki, I love you and again THANK YOU." I whisper before joining him in slumber.

So now you know, Vince and Stephen weren't the only ones that needed a 'getaway' aka time to themselves. Nikki knew and I came to know.... doesn't mean of course in mine and Nikki's course we didn't check on Kingston constantly. We just needed time, and it was good for us....and very much needed. And it made our bond, Nikki, and I....it made it even stronger, our love deeper. I could only love him more for that day.

And where you next find us...or rather I should say the Mars-Stanley clan is an early arrival for their son...

A/N: Chapter 71 is in the books!! Next chapter will see Mick and Paul's son arrive a month early, so stay tuned for that. much love to all!