Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 27- When it Rains it Pours (Nikki Sixx)

Vince's overdose.... near fatal, God that shit haunts me...and especially him and eventually as I'd find out, Stephen when he FINALLY pulled his head out of the sand aka his ass and redeemed himself with Vince and by extension everyone else. And his overdose, would come back to haunt me when I was near the end of my pregnancy with my first child: my son because of my husband overdosing on Heroin and the consequences that came with that....in any fucking case, Vince....damn did that hit us hard when it happened, and I couldn't just continue with Rehab under the circumstances, Vince needed me....needed our family. I knew finally that I wasn't alone, in that I had support for me recovering from my addictions and emotional issues.... i had support...so I did in this case what was right even while struggling in other ways mentally, like when it came to do with anything Robbin related at the time. My son though, was stubborn as fuck, and healthy though.... I'd have that no other way, but still I struggled...

Same night as Vince's awakening, and I feel emotionally and physically exhausted and though I need rest.... i am also fucking hungry and so feeling overwhelmed, I burst into tears hiding in my room at the moment...Paul and Mick understood I wanted space and plus, they were taking care of Hope and told me to let them know if they needed me though I know they will check up on me......This shit hurts!! Robbin, Vince.... oh Vinny......it very easily could have been me, hell it almost was. You didn't deserve any of this....

"Why....is it when it Rains it fucking pours?" A rhetorical question right now if there ever was one, "Why can't Vince and I catch a damn break? Too much fucking 'why's?'" I break down sobbing, wishing that there was more I could do for Vince....my heart heavy from THAT and of course as always: Robbin.

I am not alone though.... I'm with family...you'd think I'd be used to all this shit I have going on, ya know being unwanted, unloved....by the ones or in this case one that I wanted to love me...I wanted and deserved MORE with Robbin, who from the shit I've heard.....those damned rumors of him looking thin....i mean he's a big guy or was, only growing stronger...no diving deeper into his addiction. I may still be so hurt....so angry, still trying to navigate my feelings....to try and fucking heal. I am finding it very HARD to forgive Robbin, but yet....it kills me that HE'S killing himself....and then there's him...NOT wanting our child...my child.

And here lately.... something else happens, the other shoe...drops.... like with Vince. I don't judge him, NONE OF US do.... cause it could have been any one of us. If I lost Vince.... someone I cared about...my best friend for good...God.... this shit hurts....

I hear voices at the door, and I try and stem the flow of my tears and then I hear: Hope?

"Nikki? Sorry to bother you.... but Hope wanted to see you and say goodnight.... she won't go to sleep." Mick's voice, worried.... about me. Even Hope as young as she is....is worried. Damn.... she's what? 9 months old...damn, time rushes by in this case and yet in mine....is eternal. I worry I won't be a good parent, and what the fuck and HOW the fuck do I tell my unborn child about their father?

"C-Come in." I croak out.

Mick enters with a fussy Hope....and I don't see Paul, and I get concerned and Mick ever the alien says while sitting next to me on the bed with his daughter, "I insisted on putting her to bed...Paul is taking a shower.... a nice hot...long one, again I insisted. And judging by the tears.... you're feeling overwhelmed about everything, especially Vince and Robbin."

I let out a breath and a bitter chuckle, "ever the alien...." And then my tone grows husky again, "Sorry.... but yes...you are so right. Vince made a mistake yeah, one he very many regrets but he hasn't deserved any of this and we almost lost him...hell you almost lost me, you c-could have. And then there's Robbin, trying to navigate how I feel about him....and what do I tell my child about their father? And...on top of all that, it kills me to see him killing himself."

"I agree Sixx, but you and him aren't alone and never will be. We'll take care of you both always no matter what. It kills me too, you and Vince both have been thru hell this year...and I know just how that feels and this...though it may not feel like it, you are opening up even if in this moment it doesn't feel like it. And as for Robbin? He hasn't hit rock bottom yet, and I fear he will...but Nikki, you love him....and I think deep down he will realize that in time, his feelings are the same."

Hope makes grabby hands, still fussing....and Mick carefully hands her to me, me making sure she is ok, as I find myself looking into her little face.... Her expression in this moment reminded me very much of Mick.

"I am trying Mick to believe about Robbin.... it's just like with him and all this NOW...when it rains it pours, but I can't thank you and Paul enough for well everything." I sniffle and talk to Hope, "You are the best of my parents...which are yours, the best people on this or any planet. I'll be ok in time, I hope...but you and they help me so much more than you know. I love you sweet girl.... i too am having a baby..." Carefully I take her tiny little hands and place them on my stomach, which I am gonna have a big baby and am showing already....so a baby bump. "Feel them? I think you and they will be best friends. Now sleep little girl, you need it." So, I start singing, something I hope is soothing and soon she drifts off and Mick carefully takes her from me, saying he'll be back to check on me again...if I am up, as I lay back carefully under my covers and caress my rounded stomach...feeling my baby.

"I hope you know I love you so much and I am gonna be the mother you deserve.... i hope things get better in time with all we have going on, but we Do have the most amazing family." I yawn and begin to drift off to sleep....and naturally as always, I dream....

For so long I was in recovery mode or trying too anyway.... like when Vince woke up, that hit HARD...all of it did. I couldn't have gotten thru all the shit I went thru back then with out my family, a family born of not blood...but still fucking family none the less. But the true healing...wouldn't come until sadly Robbin DID hit rock bottom and only then could he and I eventually move on to where we are now, though I will say on that....it would still take time and you will see. But ah yeah, Vince.... Like I said, that shit hard because it nearly was me, could easily have been me and that was a scary thought. It wasn't fair to Vince, suffering like he did and eventually not TOO long from now, Mick and Paul would take in Vince as well.... something he needed, and really, I did too....it really helped in continuing to work on our friendship, to bond....to heal, at least in some ways. What's coming next though....is Stephen discovering on his own...just exactly how much more damaged he caused to Vince.... or I should say with Vince?

A/N: A very bitter-sweet chapter in some ways.... Next chapter, we shall see...Stephen discovering just what happened to Vince and hmm, we shall see what happens with that. stay tuned!