Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 24- Stone Cold Free & 'Sober' (Vince Neil)

Before leaving jail, I DID at least call my family.... the only people I care about and have left and that continue to stand by me. Sixx is still in rehab, which sucks for me, but I won't admit it to him because he'd got enough to deal with, but he knows though, I know he does. But yeah, I'm 'free', but bound by the shackles of shame, of sorrow, of heart break and now being out of prison bound in a prison of own making. I SHOULD BE happy to be out, family had insisted despite my protest on at least calling me a cab.... since I didn't want them to suffer by association. And a condition is me not being able to drive for a bit and I'm not supposed to drink.... but I do have some stashed away under my bed. TRULY I have learned my lesson on drinking and driving, at the same time though.... I just want to numb myself.

As we speak, I've just been dropped off, not even having the strength to throttle the driver.... who though SEEMED sympathetic still brought up reality, and speaking of which reality, what a bitch, a stone cold 'sober' bitch.

"Home sweet Hell." I murmur, my eyes filling with tears....the silence is so LOUD and I am desperate not to break down at the sound of my words and feet echoing as I trudge my way up to my bedroom, vaguely noting the house has been cleaned and upon reaching my bedroom, I strip down to a t-shirt and underwear and shower first....i cannot stand to look in the mirror and NOW I dive under my covers, sobbing....

The booze I have.... underneath my bed, my hidden shame...taunting me now. Everything HURTS even more than it did before serving my 30-day sentence. FAR too many reminders: Stephen, STILL I see him everywhere.... i dream about him, I have fucking night terrors about him, reminders of what we were, or I thought we were, reminders that the reality is I was never meant to be loved and treasures, that I am a pariah and yet there are those I can guarantee will throw themselves at me regardless. I haven't SLEPT in so long, died my hair.... i am barely hanging on......i need a release that booze or drugs can't supply....

I growl in frustration, as my mind is racing....and my sobs, begin to wrack my frame....

"Why wont this STOP?!" There is of course no answer, only the sounds of my pained words and sobs echoing. "Why did you leave me and toss me aside? As if I meant nothing...guess you were right Stephen, no one loves a monster like me, and I never should have been such a.... a.... GOD! I can't let you go, like you did me..." I go from whispering to screaming, back to whispering and whimpering like a baby.

I don't know what time it is, it's not dark...I think its afternoon maybe? It doesn't matter, I can't LIVE like this, I don't WANT to live. Is this how Nikki's felt with his own traumas? Dealing with his own demons? Like that your head is so fucked up, you don't wanna be in it? We have sadly a lot more in common than we did, he UNDERSTANDS...he does, but I don't. and I don't think I ever will...

I cry and sob myself to sleep, and doze.... literally doze for 10 minutes...and fruitlessly, try to go back to sleep and I am even more exhausted than I was.

"Damn it..." I mutter, feeling the onset of tears once more. "Maybe.... i should just say goodbye....to it all...." I don't know if I have the courage the.... strength right now, maybe it would help me...to write, but I am SO close to going over the edge....

I grab my diary, starting when I realize my phone is ringing.... i let it go, I curl up as I can and begin to write and we will see if it winds up being my final entry....

If you are wondering who was calling.... well according to the answering machine, it was Mick....who had one of his bad feelings....and HE is the one, that would actually end up finding me and saving my life....

-Diary Entry, September 11-12, 1985-

I haven't even been home one damn day, not a whole day...I am dangerously close to ending it all, I am headed there. I've never toyed with the notion or thought before so much as I have since my heart was broken and I made one of the worst mistakes of my life with the Death of Razzle.

Huh, whatdya know? Its past midnight now...anyway, how pathetic am I? Not even home for a full 24 hours, and I've already had enough. Course let's face it; I have been really careening this way since that Hot July Night. Here I am in my house all alone, no one to hear me cry....no cuddles, which even now I want. I just want to be held and loved and that's too much to ask.

And I should have known that being accused of wanting to fuck Sixx, that it was STEPHEN doing the fucking, not with Sixx of course......

If anyone ever reads this, I'm sorry...sorry I'm a fucked-up mess.... a moron, a monster....to those that care, again I'm sorry...and it does mean a lot to me that you DO care, but even that is not enough sadly. If only.... things were different, that...the man I love and hate, but if he'd reach out even if it was to tell me to fuck off, I just need him.... but he won't be there. Does he struggle like I do, with the whispers? The rumors? Being a pariah? What about that fucker Crosby? Who did something like Nikki, in that he tossed him aside...abandoned him and told Nikki to get rid of their child, the bane of my existence and let's not forget got Nikki addicted to Heroin even I wouldn't wish dealing with that one Stephen.

My Goodbyes:

Nikki, man.... here you are dealing with Rehab, doing everything you can for your unborn child.... trying to move on and heal and here I am thinking of making things worse, I am sorry...so sorry.

Mick, I wish I had your wisdom...your strength. Paul, be the rock Mick needs...you balance one another, it means more than you can ever know for you to have tried being here for me.

Tommy, ever the goofball.... a damn good friend, always down for a good time, always having my back. Never fucking change man....and if you do because of me, again I am sorry.

I love you all. 

One last thing:

Here i am Stone Cold Sober and 'Free'.... here I am in the dark, drowning in a sea of darkness. The thought barely crosses my mind now, that there is a better way.... but that doesn't matter now.... I know what I need to do, I just can't take it anymore.

-End of Entry-

I slam the diary shut, I now desperately wanting relief....in tears, fumbling.... not for the booze, the pain pills left from my leg being broken.... i find them and a hidden bottle of Jack and stumble my way sobbing to my bathroom....

Obviously, you know where this is sadly headed for me....and I will go ahead and tell you something, the combo as you've gathered here and there thru this tale of Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'n' Roll.... would nearly take my life, I say 'nearly', well you'll see.... just warning you now....

I wish I hadn't had been such a coward....at my lowest point.... when you next 'see' me.... bring some fucking tissues.

A/N: I am sorry to say we've reached Vince's lowest point.....Next chapter will be even more emotional and although you know he will live...the healing will still take quiet some time to come.