Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 33-Miles Away (Nikki Sixx)

Here we are the ride before the fall.... the eye of the storm, the heaven before the hell.... during what would be a month before not only the birth of my son: Kingston but before Robbin overdosed on Heroin and 'killed' himself and brought about my sudden and painful labor. It haunts me how everything came to a head and in the end....it would really haunt Robbin and what I didn't know then was just HOW much it already haunted him; just how BAD things had gotten....

-Diary Entry-

How did I get here? How did it come to this point? I both know and struggle to understand it at the same time. All I KNOW is it hurts....it all hurts. Things are getting worse with Robbin from what I've been told...and the pictures I have seen on TV and the like. I am angry, I am angry, and fucking pissed at being abandoned yet again, I am ANGRY drugs mean and have meant more to Robbin over our son and i. I want to believe or have tried what Stephen has said.... that I and our unborn child are all Robbin talks about...in his hazes, but I can't. in the end, and as always...its drugs that were chosen.

January 15 now, January 1986...Christmas and Thanksgiving have passed. I had Hope, Vince...Paul, Mick, Tommy....and the guys from Ratt even minus Robbin and that killed me. Good holidays or as good for me as holidays can get. Bitter-sweet as fuck. My belly has grown, huge now.... Kingston is doing well, and that's all I can really ask for.

Hope is a year old now, a year old.... god, is she adorable! Gene was noticeably absent from her birthday party, he and Paul are at odds over Gene going Hollywood and the day after, which was what four days ago now? Mick gave Gene TWO black eyes, to get the message across....and Gene did apologize and maybe is starting already to turn over a new leaf.

Oh Stephen, I nearly forgot to mention: Since he'd found/Run into Vince and Vince got EVERYTHING off his chest, they've been working on their issues since that I guess its fateful October day. They've been talking but are not yet a couple or an official one.... but they are headed that way. Stephen is doing whatever it takes to earn Vince's trust and his heart, in fact I suspect personally, it's a matter of seeing how long Vince can hold out and Stephen too for that matter. And Stephen and I are becoming friends and therefore is much less of a dick bag to me...but then all this, kills me.... because it reminds me of what I don't have and may not ever have it feels.

All I can think NOW is what Stephen told me months ago, and I am struggling to see what and believe what I've been told. I feel guilty in some parts or whatever...because I wonder if I am making it worse for Robbin, but then does he TRULY give a fuck or know the pain I am in?

-End of Entry-

I snap the diary shut with a resounding thud, for two reasons: One, bawling my eyes out and two, Kingston is kicking me where it hurts trying to get my attention.

"All right, all right damn!" I grumble, caressing my very well-rounded stomach and Kingston begins to calm, I let out a tearful laugh, "Y-You just wanted Mommy all too yourself huh? But could you PLEASE...God...I..." Trail off sobbing. Kingston kicks about in protest. "F-Fuck..."

"Oh shit...Nikki? Breathe man." Vince, I turn my tear-streaked face to him, and he wraps his arms around me as best he can, as I cry into his shoulder, rubbing my belly to calm my son and me. Mick and Paul are cooking dinner and I hear them talking with Hope, Vince had gone to the bathroom or went in to help them or talk to them, I forget which. "Talk to me man, I know its hard. I know.... you are angry at Robbin, yet blame yourself for not trying to reach out or something, and you are overwhelmed...miserable and wondering WHY?" Vince speaks quietly, echoing my thoughts perfectly. I breath deeply, and before long I calm and Kingston kicks gently making me smile, but then the tears still fall....

"You're right.... Robbin is DYING man....and its k-kills me and I am pissed...that he's chosen drugs over his family...me, his son. And I can't.... i struggle to believe Stephen, but...I mean...is it MY fault in part? W-Why do I love him...just so many 'whys."

"None of this is your fault Nikki, none of it.... I don't blame you nor can anyone else for how you feel. You're putting your child first, you don't trust what Stephen says and I get that and so does he and Robbin, I hate him, and I hate this for you...and yet, I hurt because it hurts you, it has....and I wish to God things were different. As for why you love him. that's been your heart talking the whole time, part of it is your head getting in the way or maybe all of it." Vince says.

He's right and thank God I am not alone.... but when the night comes...that's another story, not to mention, I keep getting this sinking feeling....

Dinner with the family is just what I need to distract me. Love and support, hugs.... words of wisdom.... bitter-sweet because I am missing something...or someone......

Before I know it, I find myself in bed.... feeling sore and exhausted, mainly exhausted, and Kingston is very much awake. My hands cradle my belly, rubbing it...and I speak to my son in hopes that it will calm him, and slowly but surely it does....

"I love you even if sometimes you drive me crazy, you gave me a reason to live...something to love, a reason to stay sober. I hope I don't fuck this hope, I don't think I will, but I hate to admit I am very insecure and get too much in my head. Calm down son and let's get some sleep, ok?" I yawn, jaw popping.... eyes drooping and I gather my son falls asleep...and soon I follow suit and always I dream....

A very sweet scene.... a bitter-sweet one.... beautiful: everything. A glimpse of how things should be, but aren't:

Robbin, happy.... healthy, WHOLE.... a look of love and wonder on his face, as he caresses my very well-rounded stomach...and it seems our son, Kingston is kicking.... leaving tiny footprints against my stomach and yet it seems there are tears in Robbin's eyes and in mine.

"I can't believe.... i didn't want this, thought I didn't....and now, look where we are.... we realized we loved each other and now.... our son is nearly here.... I just hope I will be a good father. I don't have a good example." Robbin sighs, voice slightly shaky.

"Look at me baby..." I cry, and Robbin looks guilty at making me cry, but I continue onwards. "Its...a miracle we are here together, in the end we came together. You ARE a good father, in the end...you did what was right, you chose our son...chose me and got clean and now you see. Now WE see together. I love you; I always have...My King."

"Nikki...I love you....so much...my Queen, I just didn't know how to tell you for so long, didn't see...but baby..." Next thing I know, he kisses me...a slow, sweet kiss, just wanting to feel me...his heart beating strong and steady and in time with mine.....

As it turns out, Robbin would overdose on of all days.... Valentine's day, or should I say in the wee hours of February 14, 1986. I struggled without him, I grew more fearful....and I grew rounder and more miserable. I didn't, as I have said, know QUITE the extent of Robbin's struggles, concentrating as I was on our son and the impending birth. I could see always though, and knew he was dying.... on this January day, I didn't know this would happen.... I mean I knew, but not exactly WHEN and I also knew it was coming. And all of this would lead to our Reunion...in the most unusual, bitter-sweet, and tragic of ways.

A/N: Kingston is nearly here and so is the inevitable.....and next chapter will be the first of two parts, dedicated to Robbin's near tragic overdose.