Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 76- For the First Time (Robbin Crosby)

I am HERE...present in ALL ways, sober, alive.... happy...and making and treasuring the memories I have made with my own family. there is and has been NOTHING more beautiful to me than seeing Nikki's body grow and change to accommodate our second child....to experience this with him, its nothing short to me of epic...life changing and too bitter-sweet as fuck, because I can't HELP but feel guilty/think of all that I missed out on the first time....what I put Nikki thru, that it was ME that caused Kingston to come early.....its strange to think that I thought I didn't want what I have now, I DID and I DO...but there was a time where I was to afraid to admit such.

Nikki knows how I feel, and he feels the same way.... the important thing now is we SHARE all this.... the good, the bad, the ugly.... the bitter-sweet. We are open and honest with ourselves and each other, even if it hurts because we know what its like to lose what you love the most....

And now here we are, Nikki is 7 months pregnant and miserable as fuck as he cries about during his mood swings, but I always do whatever I can to make him feel better, to just be there.... taking care of him, our unborn and our son....

Now, this moment...Nikki is upstairs taking a nap, I demanded despite his protests, and we argued a bit, but Nikki realized he told me that I was just looking out for him, and he did need the rest. Kingston too is taking a nap....and I am armed with baby monitors, listening out for either of my loves, and looking thru the scrap book I'd made for Nikki....

I find myself in tears looking over the pictures.... particularly the ones of Nikki pregnant with Kingston....as I'd already looked repeatedly and probably will again at the ones of Nikki pregnant with our second child.

Nikki looks so sad, so sad.... yet there is light in his eyes, he is glowing....

"Oh baby..." I choke out whispering caressing the photo, "I am SO sorry, I didn't see. I missed out on so much.... but..." Here I flip back to one of my favorite pictures and run my fingers along it, the picture in question is a family portrait with me, Nikki, and Kingston.... smiling and laughing, feeling the baby move. "---Here I am getting a second chance and one of my greatest dreams is coming true, we're having a little girl Nikki, a precious little girl...I..."

Suddenly the hands I know so well enter my field of vision, taking the scrap book from me and I startle and start to fuss over: Nikki, insisting on getting him settled on the couch and comfortable and then panic, or start to but Nikki, of COURSE he knows and knows I need him, I can't do this alone as I feel him caress my face.

"I felt like you needed me Robbin, I didn't mean to startle you...if you're wondering, Kingston is still sleeping, I checked on him...he is fine." Here Nikki smiles softly although there are tears in his eyes, "—He was clutching that stuffed flying V you had made, its his favorite...and too, I AM OK as can be, the baby is fine...our little girl is moving....and I am sorry I didn't call for you babe, but like I said, as miserable as I am....you need me, talk to me Bear-Bear."

I shake and sob, burying my face in Nikki's shoulder....one hand on his stomach feeling our daughter kick at my hands, while Nikki runs his fingers thru my locks.

"I... I...am HERE...sober, alive.... I have so much to live for. Experiencing all this with you, has been life changing in a good way, but I can't...the past fucking HURTS. Nikki, I missed out on so much. Its just very bitter-sweet, ya know?"

"Robbin, I know it hurts and I know just how you feel. And it is very bitter-sweet my King, but you never doubt are an amazing husband, father...and lover, my other half. You were always with me, even then and still are now. We're both allowed to have our days...and I was thinking, what if we wrote about our experiences together? It may help the both of us."

I ventured to look at him, tears streaming down my face. "I fucking love you, you know that right?"

"I fucking love you more."

I sigh heavily, "I think as much as it hurts and would hurt.... those diaries you wrote in your addiction, the ones I wrote in mine.... we could help so many people babe, so many..." I am interrupted by our son's little voice on the baby monitor. "I've got him, and I'll be right back."

"I know you will." I kiss Nikki and I get to Kingston, taking him to potty, getting clean and carrying him downstairs, his head laying on my shoulder.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah buddy?"

"You wook sad." Kingston exclaims.

I sigh, "I am...my past with mommy, I hurt him...and I hurt myself."

"But mommy still wuv ew."

"He does as I do him, see buddy...we all have our bad days, but then ya know I've got you and mommy and your sister to get me thru them."

"I wuv ew...mommy and sissy k?" Kingston asks, just as we reach the living room.

"Why don't you ask mommy and your sister huh?" I tickle him, hearing his giggles fill the air and then setting him on the couch, between Nikki and i...his tiny little hands automatically doing as he's seen me so often do and rub Nikki's belly, my hands joining his.... Nikki watching us smiling and it occurs to me, "Hey Nikki? Kingston.... we have the nursery, and all done...but she needs a name. any ideas?" I asked my husband and son. I in fact, have SOME ideas.... but I wanna see what they think first.

"How name me?" Kingston asks.

Nikki answers his eyes never leaving mine, "I named you after Daddy cause I wanted you to always think of him, so he'd always be with you."

"My name is Robbin.... but they call me Robbin 'The King' Crosby." I add on to what Nikki has said and it hits me like lightening, and I find myself smiling through my tears. "I've got it Nikki, Kingston.... what to name her. I want to name her after YOU Nikki, all of you...past and present. Frankie, Frankie Nicole Crosby-Sixx."

Nikki is stunned very much so and I grow nervous waiting for him to respond.... but when he does, man I start bawling.

"I never...thought.... I would.... I mean.... Robbin, it means so much to me.... more than I can ever say. Her name sounds PERFECT, I feel it suits her, so Frankie Nicole Crosby-Sixx it is."

Frankie starts kicking away, making Nikki's stomach jump and if I didn't know any better, I'd say she loves her name.

"Sissy wuv name!"

Nikki chuckles, "Sissy does....and sissy and mommy also would love food too."

"Ah say no more babe, I'll get started on dinner..."

"Not with out me your not." Nikki interrupts grinning.

"Wouldn't dream of its babe, wouldn't dream of it." I grin back.

So now you know, that the dreams of Nikki and I having our second child turning out to be a girl came true and that I named her after the other half of my soul: Nikki....and if you so happen to be wondering and also know by now, Nikki and I indeed write about our experiences during the depths of our addictions to Heroin...we called it or would 'The Heroin Diaries, A Tale of Sex, Drugs and Crϋe'.

A/N: Next chapter Frankie Nicole Crosby Sixx will make her official debut and it also means that there will be four chapters left in this book.