Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 21- Gotta be Willing to Crash & Burn Part 1 (Nikki Sixx)

Rehab.... god, where the fuck do I start with that? in terms of my feelings about it, what it meant, how I struggled mentally, how I tried to find myself etc.? like with all the shit I had on me and had been through. I can never to this day thank Mick and Paul ENOUGH for paying for Rehab, taking me in.... giving me and my baby a home, a safe place which I would live with them until Robbin FINALLY, fucking finally redeemed himself and made some serious efforts and that's all I'll say for now, because you will see in time....

Back to Rehab, it was hard...a struggle, HELL for so many reasons: rough morning sickness, heart break, anger, and then finding out what happened to my best friend...something that FULLY broke him then, hurt him then and he struggled to live with and that he regretted and still does very much: Razzle's death. That hit hard, in terms of....it very easily could have been me....it hurt to see him hurt from afar.... How his 30 days in jail affected him and his problems with Stephen Pearcy, Vince didn't deserve all that on him. He wrote me while I was in Rehab, and he was in prison.... we were working on our friendship still....it meant a lot to him, but it wasn't ENOUGH. I struggled to open up to a therapist, which really, I needed...but I didn't trust people....and I always have said then and now, if you want to live life on your own terms, gotta be willing to crash and burn...

August now, how the fuck its August I have NO clue.... it's like what August 20 now? Yeah, I think that's it......and currently I find myself heaving over the toilet in tears, my morning sickness rearing its head....

All this time, I haven't heard from HIM...nor do I expect too....and nor do I want to. I just.... hate him, I hate Robbin.... telling me to get rid of my...OUR baby. How do I rationalize that? how can I forgive? And why did I have to get feelings for HIM? I have been keeping with the program or trying as far as sobriety goes, I must...I owe it to my child, they are an innocent in all this mess. I don't FEEL as if I am doing the right thing, that I am such a fuck up.... unlovable, but that's not true...that's my head talking. I don't talk to the therapist, I figure in part it helps to talk to Vince even if its from afar, Mick and Paul as well.... They are here for me. I just don't know how to do all this...how to rebuild.... this fucking sucks.

"Ugh.... i love you...." I croak after finally finishing puking and rinse my mouth out, laying against the bathroom wall. "But this SUCKS....and I'm sorry...s-so sorry.... I'm such a fuck up and that your...father doesn't want you. I'm TRYING to get better.... I swear to you. I owe you that..." Here I break down, arms wrapped around myself as if to ward off a chill.

Here I am with the constant reminder of Robbin.... the child we created, that he didn't want. I am coming around to admit I have feelings for him, or I DID, fuck maybe I still do.... it's NOT fucking fair!! He gets to be high as fuck, does whoever and whatever he wants...and I am in Rehab, knocked up.... if it wasn't for my FAMILY i.e., Mick & Paul.... hell, they are more like parents, then Tommy and Vince.... god Vince, I can't imagine truly what he'd going thru....

I breathe deeply, calming down....and I realize its getting late, carefully I get off the floor and manage to lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling....in tears, and I do what has already become so natural to me: rest my hands on my stomach, feeling the growing baby....and I talk to them, even though they can't hear me, or maybe they can.....

"So, rehab sucks.... like really sucks, but I need to do it.... i mean, I could have killed myself, killed you. I don't wanna do that.... I am just AFRAID. I don't know how to be a parent; I mean I'm learning.... guess, we will both learn together." I pause a moment, stroking my stomach...which is ever changing, beginning to fill my palms. "Huh, you're really growing in there, I guess that's good.... though I hate that my thighs are even thicker.... the point is, you saved my life....and strangely Heroin has. By the way don't EVER DO heroin, drugs don't love you.... they fucking don't. but if it wasn't for that, in a way.... I wouldn't have you. That's the one thing I can't regret is YOU." I am fucking exhausted, and hungry....and am seriously starting to crave chocolate and chips and I happen to have both stashed away, hidden.... but it also involves me getting out of bed, which I carefully do with a groan grumbling to my baby, "you're already telling me sleep with you, will be a thing of the past...."

Soon enough I grab my cravings, wolfing them down and then back in bed, HOPING they stay down, and I once again carefully stroke my stomach and resume talking to my stomach....

"I think I have another session tomorrow, which sucks...I know I need to open up about WHY I feel the need to do drugs in the first place....but I don't trust people here, I can't help that.....but on the Brightside, Mick and Paul are coming...their the closest thing I have to parents and I know you'll love them, they've given me lots of advice, and help...they've just saved my life." I start getting emotional again, crying...feeling overwhelmed....and I cry my self to sleep.

And of course, I dream....

It's the same nightmare, over and over.... Robbin, always Robbin screaming at me and us having that nasty fight, telling me to get rid of our baby.

This is followed by the nightmare, of me watching Robbin die.... of an overdose and then.... comes something that is pure torture and bitter-sweet as FUCK: How things SHOULD BE...

"Did I tell you how fucking Sexy you are pregnant?" Robbin smirking, in that way he knows gets me before his look softens, "you're seriously glowing my QUEEN." Rubbing my swollen stomach fondly, gently feeling our son move. And then his eyes fill with tears, "I can't tell you how sorry I am for what I did to you...I never meant to let it get out of control.... but you are leaving that night...I mean I didn't know how to tell you I was scared, and it...was the drugs talking. I..."

I cup his face in my hands...telling him seriously.

"Both of us were stubborn as fuck, you got help....and you PROVED to me that you were serious about making things right. Our feelings for each other, have always been there my KING...and I love you...always"........

I was doing the right things back then, though I often felt like I wasn't. Rehab being one of them.... I never touched Heroin, I couldn't. I had to crash and burn, the HARD way.... i was lonely and was alone far too much...talking to my unborn child, my son then.... was to me the best form of therapy, though what I really needed but thought I'd never have been Robbin. And then there was Vince, I wrote to him every day...to TRY to keep up his spirits and really my own.... but Vince, God.... He struggled more than me in some ways. For he would, nearly lose his life.... it's coming, I am warning you now.

But back to the more pleasant things if you will, chiefly Mick and Paul visiting me in Rehab.... their first in person visit, not that they didn't call everyday kind of thing. It meant so much to me, yet at the same time tore me apart, because I couldn't see Vince and vice versa. The point is I couldn't be there for him like I wanted, I wanted to be a better friend.

A/N: A bitter-sweet, emotional chapter.... Nikki's thoughts and experiences so far in rehab. Next chapter a family visit. Stay tuned!