Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 32- Fighting for Love & Trust (Stephen Pearcy)

Now that I've seen and or am seeing the error of my ways, I am fucking finally ready to do what I should have done long before now: fight to gain Vince's love, trust and forgiveness. I've lost him twice now, and I don't think I nor he would survive a third time. After my emotional reunion with Vince, I've, among other things: moved the photos of Vince and I to where I can see them, right by my bedside including one of my favorites, us in racing attire, Vince's smile wide as he gazes at me, us looking so happy. I've also the past few days been building up my courage to call on Nikki, who well I can understand NOW why he'd want jack shit to do with me and it's not just because of Vince, it's because of Robbin.

Well, here I go.... i am surprised, though really in a way I shouldn't be that Vince gave me that phone number, it must mean SOMETHING.... he still loves me...still loves me.... love I wanna earn.

Nervously I dial....and it rings, my palms sweat, and Nikki's deep and clipped tone comes across the line, and he KNOWS it's me without me having yet said a word, I assume Vince had spoken to him...

"Stephen Pearcy, it HAS been a long time, you've got balls to be calling....and yes, I KNOW Vince gave you the number, he told me about your reunion with him....and, I've got a FUCKING BONE TO pick with you, asshole."

"You were waiting on me to call I take it?" I sigh, feeling tears in my eyes. "I owe you a huge apology Sixx, several in fact. And I am an asshole, a huge one...."I take a deep breath, "Is... How..." I fumble for words.

"Oh, you are damn right I was.... Vince if you're wondering is hiding out in his room, he doesn't come out much, he's been crying...over YOU." My heart breaks at hearing those words. "How fucking dare, you after all this time decide you want to apologize to me, for doing what you did, driving a wedge between Vince and I on TOP of the bullshit with Robbin." Here Nikki's voice cracks before he continues, "You couldn't stand me, that hurt.... You couldn't stand that Vince and I had a bond, you wanted him all to yourself, Vince is not an object. You helped to drive away my best friend, you broke him...broke his heart, and that night...that set this shit fest off? You were so cruel, so cold...yet he still all this time has loved you. He's my brother, my best friend...I don't say or feel those things lightly. What was it about me exactly you hated? That Vince trusted ME and not you? You never gave him a reason to trust you, and yes, I am aware I am an addict, in recovery and sure as shit ain't perfect, look.... now what do you want?" I am at this point in tears, and I think a moment...

"I hated that you could make him smile so easily, the way his eyes lit up around you....and when they landed on me, because of how I was.... they'd be pained. You didn't deserve how I treated you at all Nikki. I couldn't stand...I mean I didn't trust Vince and you; I didn't see your relationship with him was purely friendship, I didn't want to see, and I am so fucking sorry its taken me this long, I haven't been there for Vince and am trying...fighting now to make things right."

A moment of silence before Nikki comes back with, "You and I are gonna talk this shit out in person, I want to SEE if you are telling the truth about me and Vince, sure I can hear the sincerity...but you understand why I'd feel this way."

I tell him I do, before Nikki tells me or gives me the address of Mars Mountain and tells me to get my ass over there....and I speed the whole way there, feeling nervous.... scared, but determined to make things right with Sixx and....by extension: Vince.

Upon arrival, Mick answers the door...he and Paul are on their way out with Hope telling me its Kiss related and both give me the third degree and tell me to be careful and not just with Nikki, but I see the hope in their gazes, and I want to give them that. I walk into the living room then to find Nikki Sixx, and I stop short at the sight of him.... pregnant, pregnant with MY best friend's child, and he doesn't know that even in Robbin's binges: he only talks about Nikki and their child. Nikki cradles his stomach protectively, while munching on some chips and he GLARES at me, tearfully. And I let the tears fall....

"I know you don't trust me.... and.... I am sorry. So, fucking sorry for everything, I was jealous of you, what you had that I wish I could have with Vince. I took him for granted, I broke his heart....and I helped drive a wedge between you, I didn't help things at all. I never meant...truly to let things get this far. I am serious now, about making things right with you, with everyone.... especially Vince. I want to earn that."

Nikki is taken aback, and says slowly, tearfully. "I... believe you.... i am... trying. It's just too...you remind me of HIM...the man, that...I... realized was in love with, that.... i don't know how I can ever forgive Robbin and yet at the same time, it kills me he is killing himself. He doesn't want me, want our child....and as for you? Stephen, if I... I TRUST you, don't fuck that up again, I am going thru enough and so is Vince."

"I won't fuck things up again Sixx, I'd like to be friends...and I hope this is a first step for us to be friends....and too, I get you loud and clear. As for Robbin? Nothing is really getting thru to him, he.... he thinks that..." I trail off wondering if I should tell Nikki, but Nikki seems to gather my line of thinking...

"Tell me what exactly?"

"You're all he ever talks about.... when he gets drunk and does Heroin, he.... he hallucinates you, deep down.... i believe he feels the same about you, that he loves you.... He just doesn't know or wants to get help. And I can't HELP him....and...then there's your child together, Nikki...he talks about that too in his binges, I believe he's afraid of that, of fucking up your child even more, being a parent, he doesn't want to admit all that and I don't fucking blame you for not believing what I am telling you, I wouldn't if I were you, but I swear I am being honest....Look, I don't expect you to forgive him, and I imagine...that if you ever talk to or see him again, it won't be pretty to say the least." I take a shuddery breath as Nikki sobs, "I know at least in part how he feels, because.... I am there myself or have been with Vince. And...I kept pictures of Vince and I, were our positions reversed. I would have done the same.... Robbin still has that picture of you and him, the one where you're 7 ways to fucked up, you crazy eyed...you and him by his BEDSIDE. And I am so fucking sorry, for all I've done to you Nikki Sixx. You need to get some rest, and I am sorry...so sorry." I cry.

Nikki tearfully asks for some food, which I give him before telling me, he has a lot to think about and he will, talk with Vince and quietly I leave not long after, shaken...by how broken he is, hoping that I can earn Vince's trust with all this, that I can make things right. And I feel the crushing loneliness, the sheer emotion.... the fear of losing still everything and everyone I hold dear....

I blink and I am home, straight to my bedroom...and I automatically clutch the picture of Vince and I too my chest, sobbing....

"Vinny.... sugar cookie, I wish you were here.... together with me, helping me thru all this.... I hope that slowly but surely, we will get to where I hope we can be together forever. I love you, and I will fight for you, fight for what's right. I swear to you."

A/N: Emotions running high, fighting to earn respect, trust and love...and so much more. Next chapter a bit of a time Skip to I am thinking about closer to the end of Nikki's pregnancy....