Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 19-I Can't Face the Night (Stephen Pearcy)

July 23, 1985...I believe it was. NO, I KNOW IT WAS. That night I made the biggest mistake of my life, or mistakes.... among other things: I cheated on Vince, thinking with my Dick.... ya know being the 'rock star'. That's NOT a good excuse, it's a piss poor one. The point is I took him for granted, flirted, and fucked with some chick whose name I don't remember, and I didn't at the time want Vince to ever find out, I'd had NO clue he'd seen me flirting. I should have known better, and sadly this night...those weren't the only mistakes I'd made or would: Vince beat the shit out of Robbin, Robbin screamed at Nikki to get rid of their baby, I screamed things at Vince, vile things.... taunting him about wanting to Fuck Sixx so badly, telling him that if he walked out that door.... we were thru. He was right that night, right in defending Nikki, right that I didn't trust him, and he KNEW I'd cheated. I called him 'sugar cookie' automatically, I remember that....and I no longer had that right and so the moment he walked away for what at the time I thought was forever, though it was a long time.... I realized I made the biggest mistake of my life! It wasn't my last one sadly.... i BROKE HIM and I kept doing so, because...I was ashamed and regretted what I did. I couldn't face him and that's again, no excuse. I thought then I'd make things worse when the reality is I may have made things better. He reached out to me, I'd come to find....calling me from prison and that leads us to the ultimate point: if I hadn't done what I did to Vince, breaking his heart....he may not have made the WORST mistake of his life....and its really all my fault and where you will find me, is late night...nursing a bottle of Tequila Rose in my hotel room, Ratt still being on tour and I'd find out about Vince and Razzle losing his life a few days after it happened.

Things have been icy.... sad, a blur.... you name it these past days....it feels like it's been a lifetime when it's only been a week or so, or maybe more. I regretted letting Vince go.... but if I really loved him, I would have trusted him.... I let him go, it HURT, and it still does. Robbin is lost, and is falling further down the Rabbit Hole with Heroin, Warren.... he talks to me, telling me I'm a huge fucking moron/coward, a lot of yelling is involved. Nothing is going right....and even groupies are helping, Vince was right about me.... He was RIGHT. Juan and Bobby are, I think, on my side, but are leaning more towards Vince. There is an air...a tense air, and we are balls to the wall on stage, channeling everything.... Robbin slipping ever further down the proverbial rabbit hole.

I am alone, drinking alone.... Tequila Rose.... Vince's favorite, or it was.......

A series of loud knocks sound at the door and Warren's frantic and angered voice, anger that I KNOW is directed at ME, it's the least I deserve.

"Asshole!! Open.... NOW!"

Reluctantly I do so, and Warren comes storming in shoving me to sit on the bed......Tears in his eyes and my heart sinks to my fucking gut....

"What happened?"

"Just found out, its all over the news now.... the other night, I was at that party with Tommy.... Vince and Razzle were in a wreck, HIGHLY intoxicated. Razzle.... didn't make it." Warren cries and sobs even harder as he manages to glare, "I've never seen Vince so broken.... he's broken completely.... very much...regretting what he did. He never meant to.... I know he didn't. He needs people that care about him. Vince broke his leg.... but he's serving 30 days in jail. Did you know? He reached out to YOU, wasted his phone call on YOU?" Warren's tone filled with Venom and my blood freezes, as I am now in tears.... mind reeling in shock and heart heavy for what I've caused....at least I am THAT much aware, not much...but still.

"I...I... didn't know....h-how'd he get my number?" Warren's face hardens.

"Really?" He drawls glaring, "he asked.... he still LOVES you.... you have NO right to cry over him! He did a bad thing yes and he very much wishes it was HIM that died, Razzle DIED in his arms....and YOU...if it hadn't had been for YOU this wouldn't have happened!"

"Warren...." I begin trying to find my voice, fumbling. "I will only m-make things worse...if I... I...reach out to him, its...I...." I drop the bottle I was drinking, watching it shatter.... rather like my heart. Warren is right.... it's my fault....it is my fault.... how can I EVER face Vince now, with what I've already done and put him through?

"Stephen..." Warren hisses my name he's so pissed, and I am one punch away..., "You are a fucking coward and are only hurting him more and sadly you will. You still don't fully seem to see. Now, I think this tour is a shit show behind the scenes.... you're still my friend, but you are on thin fucking ice!" Warren throws his hands up, "Know what I think I'll leave you right now! Cause you're NOT listening!" Warren storms out slamming the door while I curl up on my bed, sobbing into my pillow.

I just.... I'm still not getting it.... He's right, but I am not openly admitting it. The pain Vince must be in, Razzle dying in his arms.... i had no clue that he's tried to reach out to me...none, he still loves me....and I don't deserve that especially now.

The groupies.... I've tried and failed to move on, but I haven't...and I am only further driving a wedge between Vince and I.... Razzle is dead, I can't believe it....and Vince wishes it was himself? God, it would kill me if it had been, but really, he's dead in a way at least in spirit....and Warren is right, he is right....

I cried myself to sleep the night I found out about Vince.... I did that every night, and again Warren was right. What right DID I have to cry over Vince? It was I ultimately that led him to make an error in judgment a very serious one.... if I hadn't have broken his heart...broke him, I didn't help matters being a coward, and not fully seeing or thinking of my actions. Deep down I knew, but those things were hard for me to admit. I was stubborn, stupid.... you name it, selfish....

Nothing went right, everything was WRONG. The world had lost its brightness.... i lost MY light, took it for granted...extinguished it. But, in the dark...at night, those nights alone....Vince was all I could see....and the things that reached me about him, and what ELSE I would drive him to after he got out of prison.....in the end, it all goes back to me, MY fault...I had to learn to let things go: My jealousy, my not cherishing what I was supposed to hold dear and protect....i had to LEARN.

And of course, I wasn't the only one who was 'suffering', compared to what I put Vince through, what he went through. I went thru nothing...Nikki, had to face the prospect of being sober, trying to stay sober and being a single parent and watching from afar Robbin killing himself. THAT was hard to watch and to see.

A/N: Another emotional chapter and for the foreseeable future they will likely all be as such. There may be some bright spots to come...stay tuned to find out and I promise all the pain will in the end perhaps turn out ok....