Sex, Crϋe and Ratt 'N' Roll, A Ratt & Mӧtley Tale

Chapter 38- Now He's Gone to Rehab Part 1 (Nikki Sixx)

-Diary Entry: February 23, 1986-

Hope, Hope now I'd thought long gone...is slowly I believe coming back in that I feel it. Robbin and I finally...after 8 months had a SERIOUS & EMOTIONAL and very much needed discussion. I never dreamed I would see him be HUMAN, seem Robbin humbled...regretful and I never dreamed I would believe him and most of all? I NEVER saw coming.... him loving our son, he told me...was honest with me...about bonding with our son, seeing him for the first time and in the days since Kingston's Valentine's Day birth, DESPITE Robbin's wicked fucking detoxing.... He still spent time with Kingston and so far. seems to be a devoted father. Its just all so surreal, and I have talked with him since I've 'confronted' him, usually it involves Kingston but then.... he's trying TO get to know me....and I find...I am letting him. Now, he's gone to Rehab.... think he said he'd be there for 2 months. It hurts...it does, and I felt bad for him.... that, he didn't want to leave me...leave our son, but he told me, "I...I don't want to go, I finally...Nikki, I don't feel right leaving you, leaving our son...missing out on taking care of him...and you. But, I have to get better, I have to.... i can't die again, dying HURTS and it hurts more because of what I've done to you." Course he was in tears as was I, and I agreed to write him...an honor he feels he doesn't deserve, and I'd send him pictures of Kingston....and.... ah, he's awake....

Abruptly I throw down my diary and pen and sprint to my son's room, and I find him waving his fists in the air, wailing....

"Hey mommy is here...shh, you're ok.... you're ok." Frantically scooping him up, checking his diaper...where he's pooped and pissed and he needs a change of clothes and a fresh diaper and still he cries, "Hungry buddy? Its feeding time." Kingston begins tugging at my shirt and I push past my exhaustion, as I hold him and settle down in the rocking chair with the burp cloth and get him started feeding from me, which instantly calms him relieving me, "I was worried, this is so new to me still. And I bet you miss daddy huh?" I miss him too; of that I am finding....

Kingston is soon fed and burped but starts wailing again, refusing to go back to sleep....so I get up and walk around his room with him, talking to him....

"Come on, you gotta sleep, ok? You got to..." I started crying and couldn't help it. "Y-You're taking after daddy, aren't you? You miss him.... I miss him too. But...h-he's getting help, he's changing. You look so much like him. come on buddy...please...." I rock Kingston in my arms, and he is still fussy but calmer than he was, because he KNOWS who I am talking about, his father. "M-Maybe.... i could...fall in love with him.... for real this time. I...I have hope." Still my son is fighting sleep....

Hmm.... i wonder, and I am fucking desperate. How the fuck I haven't apparently disturbed Mick and Paul...and Vince, I have no clue.... but I have....an idea....

Kingston makes a noise of protest when I start to leave his room...

"I know, but I promise it will be ok. Please sweetheart, trust mommy." Kingston quiets, amazingly, still fussing as carefully I cradle him to my chest and quietly as I can make my way downstairs....and I find my self picking up the phone, still in tears...and dialing the rehab place that Robbin is staying at and after I cuss out the nurse, and pull the 'do you know who I am?' card, she changes her tune and Robbin's deep and worried voice comes across the line......

"Nikki? What's wrong?"

I break down, rocking Kingston....," He.... Kingston w-wont sleep.... he's fighting it......and...and I was...hoping...that you...could...I dunno talk to him? L-Like if he heard your voice m-maybe? H-He misses you."

"Breathe Nikki...I know baby, I know.... i miss him too, and I miss you." I hear the unmistakable sound of HIS tears. Wait...did he just call me baby? I think he did...anyway. "---Sure, let me talk to him, I'd l-love to."

"Ok...thanks...I.... i mean I know its late...and i..."

Robbin cuts me off, "That don't fucking matter, not what time it is...what m-matters is me helping you right now, I'm just learning that....so lets give this a shot."

"Ok..." I sniffle and with my free hand and of course making sure Kingston is secure, maneuver the receiver to where Kingston can 'hear' his father's voice, and I can too...I HEAR the words loud and clear:

"Kingston, buddy I wish I was there so damn bad. Mommy says you're fighting sleep, you take after me, wanting to stay up all night. But we all need sleep at some point. I miss you son, and I never thought...not so long ago, I'd say that. Your mother has given me YOU.... Mommy is the best. I want you to do something for me son, I want you to go to sleep and dream, and when you dream, I'll be there until I can see you again. Now listen to mommy buddy...one more thing, you and mommy give me the motivation I need to do better and be a better person...a better me. I love you so much."

I notice now that Kingston has just fallen asleep and carefully without waking Kingston, talk to Robbin once again, whispering....

"Thank you so much.... he's just fallen asleep...seriously THANK YOU." Relieved, grateful...moved...and a feeling, of.... what I am hoping...wondering is...love.

"Least I could do Nikki and baby you don't have to thank me. Now you get you some sleep too, ok? I worry about you." I talk with him a minute more and he promises to call me later. And he did by the way, he was changing.... he...HAD changed, Death really can do that to a person.

I make my way back upstairs slowly; my son now sleeping peacefully and place him in his crib back in his room and. I kiss his little forehead.

"I love you Kingston." I whisper. And Robbin was right, I need sleep...but I also need to get my thoughts and feelings out. So, I resume writing in my diary:

-Diary entry continued-

Ah yes, where was I? Kingston had woken up and damn did he fight sleep. I fed him, changed him...rocked him, but when I talked about or mentioned Robbin, he'd calm...still fussy, but calmed. Still, he refused to sleep. And I was SO desperate that I called Robbin in rehab, and he came thru for me...that fucking floors me honestly. He calmed our son.... he calmed me, and he's...so far, a good father. And he called me 'baby', the way he said it.... i am not sure he realized, but I DO know he never said it that way before. And the feelings I have...I think could be love. He and I still have a long way to go, working thru our issues.... but he IS so far since...his overdose, turning over a new leaf...and I am NOW, gonna go to bed...and in my dreams I know I'll see Robbin there....

-End of Entry-

A/N: Robbin is in Rehab; Nikki is home with a newborn Kingston.... sweet and bitter-sweet moments and possible sparks. Next chapter is part 2 to this.