My Step Brother's Obsession - Carly #2

Mild Agoraphobia Pt 3: This Is Harder Than It Looks

The banging outside has me jumping out of bed. Star is still sleeping. There's another bang and another. What the hell is going on? I creep into the living space as the banging grows louder and louder. I peer out of the curtains. It's still dark outside but the banging never seizes. I begin to shake and my eyes roll. The medication only helps so much. I still have episodes, but they are usually controllable. But today it's one of the bad days. The banging continues but it sounds more like gunshots and I cower under the window shouting and screaming out for my brothers in arms. I have no idea how long it goes on for until her eyes are shining in mine. "It's okay Cas. Take deep breaths and count to ten."

I nod trying my best to do as she says I keep repeating the action until I see her in her true beauty and not a blur in front of me. She smiles. "It's okay, Cas. I've got you."

I nod shakily. My body is shaking and I can't control it. She holds out the tablet in front of me. "Here take this with the water."

I nod and open my mouth. She pops it in and holds the glass to my mouth, giving me enough water to swallow the tablet. I close my mouth and swallow.

She sits besides me and I lol at her. "Are you sure you want this Star? Are you sure you want to be with me when I'm having an episode?" I ask unsure that she will want to stay with me through all of this shit my eyes are full of tears.

She smiles and wipes my tears away, looking into my eyes. "I promise Cas. I'm in this with you, one hundred and ten percent."

I smile, god I love this woman so damn much.

I lay my head on her shoulders. "Do you want me to stay with you today?"

"No I'm fine, you need to be at the camp until your transfer is complete."

"Are you sure Cas? What if it gets worse,and you have no one here?"

"I'll be fine, angel."

She stares at me giving me the mother hen look. God I love this woman.

"I promise."

"Only if you're sure."

"I am." I lied. But I know I can't keep her here for my own sake when she's transferring after easter. She needs to put in her hours and I can't be the one responsible for her not gaining enough hours. I won't be the one who is res for her not being able to transfer or get in the hours she needs. No one knows yet but she's being transferred here as this is a bigger camp they agreed to her coming here and helping the new batch of teens who will arrive after easter we sure as hell need it the counsellor and Carly have enough on their hands another set will do good.

"Okay." She sighs. "But if you need me, promise you'll call me."

"I promise." I say, knowing I probably won't.

I won't be going anywhere today. I need the tablets to take full effect. I need space from everything and everyone around me until I'm out of this episode. The only one I'll let close enough to me is Star. She begins to scratch my scalp with her nails which slowly turns into her massaging my scalp, something the psychiatrist said may help all it does is send me to sleep. That's what they call relaxing. My eyes start to droop, they close and sleep evades me once again.

Star

This shit is harder than it looks. I never once expected to be the one to help Caspian through hall of this his friends had left him to his own devices half the time they assumed he was okay and was working his ass off in his office and was ignoring them that was far from the truth what I had witnessed when I had picked the lock of his cabin and saw him all hunched up under the window. I knew very little about PTSD but I knew it took many forms and it arose from a trigger of something horrific in their lives and he had definitely seen some horrific shit being in the army but it had never hit him before he was deployed to Africa, something I was surprised about but apparently it can come in any time.

This is different from what Jonathan and Kyler are going though. He had explained to me what was happening to the both of them and he was ashamed that he hadn't noticed it. But he wasn't to blame; he has his own shit to deal with; they had no clue what was going on with him. I had begged him to confide in them they would understand but he didn't want to be a burden. But the burden is on my shoulders every time I stay here so colour seems a selfish and insensitive bitch something I'm not but I'm struggling. He needs his friends around him. He needs a network of people around him who understands his predicament. I try I really do, but I can't go on liek this if were to have a proper relationship I'm not his fucking career. I'm his girlfriend and that's another thing that's been kept from his friends and mine.

It's like he's embarrassed of me and he said he would never see me that way, but it sure as hell feels that way with all the sneaking around I'm doing. He wants sex, but he's not even committed enough to me for me to feel safe and secure in myself to want an intimate relationship with him just yet. Nce he realises I'm not a side chick or whatever the hell I am in his eyes that's when I'll commit to him fully. But, until them I'm not losing my v card for him to tell me that's all he's keeping me around for and fuck me off. I can't deal with that. I've been hurt too many times before.

I'm so insecure about myself and how people see me and value me. I'm just putting on a face for everyone around me. Carly knows my flaws and insecurities and she's still here beside me and the only friend who hasn't turned out to be a two faced bitch. A friend who uses and abuses you to make them look good and dumps you once they've got any type of recognition.

I head back to my car which is parked a little way off the beaten track to the camp and get in and drive to Camp Hollingway where I'm greeted by Conrad, he grins wickedly at me. "Hey Star. How was your night?"

"Exhausting."

"So Caspian kept you up all night?" He winks.

Is the only one that knows what's going on with me and Cas though he's clearly not happy about it he puts on a mask I guess we all do.

"No, he's not good today."

"You could've stayed with him." He says, concerned, he knows a little about what Cas is going through but not all of it.

"He insisted I come to work because he didn't want me to miss out on anything."

"I bet he'll be glad when you finally transfer over to his camp?"

"I guess." I sigh.

I'm beginning to regret my decision I had made before things began to develop with Cas. But now I'm not so sure he keeps me to himself liem a dirty little secret, one that shouldn't be shared cause he's too embarrassed about it and I'm just there for him to fool around with and take care of him like a fucking doormat I am and not his girlfriend. When he first asked me I was sceptical of it all and thought he was taking the piss and was eating for the bomb to drop. He promised me he wasn't so I had agreed. Now I'm regretting it cause no one knows about us and I'm waiting for the lunch line where everyone laughs hysterically at the fool I made of myself but thinking he was different.

"You don't sound too sure, Star."

"I'm... I don't know, I just..."