Black On White (day by day jernal)

July 10th 2013

its days like this that i feel just so unsure of myself 

like im sitting at my desk room re arainged and making a bracelet...alll normal right remix music blasted like always just sitting but somethings missing altho the music is playing its silent....like iee done this before and was fine but i just wanted it to be over or something to happen ya know ... so yea its just nothings been happening its just boring... all the convos that kellie and i have its like a loose tention like at least for me... ya know what i mean i feel a little tence but shes like so loose around me and i dont know what the hell is wrong with me i just want it to stop....lol yea we cant hold a conversation as well as we could we use to be able to talk for hours on th randomest things and just i dont want to talk all i want to do is listen idk like maybe if i could listen to more ablout kellie tha i could drop my tention or care and everything idk my room fels so empty i havent oved my room around before in this house and its so scary and awkward.... my dad is so mad at me just angry but only to me i dont know what i did but i just want it to stop its twice hes yelled at me but not yelling but raising his voice and only a little but i so wanted to cry kellie was around the first time andd i had to leave the room and just ya know breath take in some air dad hadent breathed yet... i just wanna be loved kellie and i where talking about that and ya like my family dosnt show un condisinal love to e or eachother i feel so warm and welcomed around kellie and her family but in my house all my emotion ever is is depresed and unhappy like there hasent ben any goood memories with my family out here my parents have started to swear more and drink more and just become very non kid friendly like i know im not a kid and most people of my age are getting high and drink and pregnet but really i would never be ready to smoke or get drunk or even start drinking coffee in a matter of fact....

so yea on a good note i got to hang with kellie and altho she dident want to walk we went on a walk and im so thakful she just like does things she dosnt want to do for me like it means the world like i feel so bad not like helping her at all like all i do is give her my problems and like never do anything about it just say one word "thanks" like i feel so guilty and yeah im a super slow reader but i cam write and think up things to write like super quick i swear lol 

yea so ive been creepiing dance alot and holly shit i want to get back into my old routeens like i miss my old studio ore than most of my old friends its was like a home a safe place to go 

so the just of the days bblog like thing is.....

i just want my life to get interesting and like fast all the new fun thigs have became old 

so thanks lot 

piece <3 watermellon