Black On White (day by day jernal)

February 23rd 2014

Hey it's actually 12:03 or something...

But I gotta say, I got wreak this journal, and I love it it's perfect for anyone who suffers with depression, anxiety, stress, self harm or perfectionists. also people with OCD to try to break it.

But on the first night ( Thursday night) it says to sleep with it and take it everywhere. so I slept with it... and I had a dream.... a vivid dream of my ex. (camper) and we when to a fair at night and he gave me a flower and we slow danced and he pulled me close and it was perfect he was so sweet! it was all outside and that day he kept looking at me in real life at school.

I had a dream of me waking up and doing my hair the way I did it that day ( the day after the dream when he kept looking at me) it was SOO weird cuz I plan out how I do my hair and makeup the night before.

So idk what that means because before we broke up a had a dream of him ignoring me and not talking to me. and now I'm having dreams with him and I together and the next day he keeps looking at me !!? what the hell could this possibly mean??

But on another note Friday I had made a face and a teacher walks around the corner and sees me making this face " oh this is what the expect from a winner ?"

Like so sassy!!

It actually brings me to tears and deep deep depression that I'm expected to be this ideal perfect human roll model, but I can't I'm not perfect! I swear like a trucker, make faces, can be super sassy, I'm a total bitch, I dress down, I can come off racist, I talk about kidnapping people, I'm broke, I'm unpopular, I'm not smart, I look homeless most days, my eye makeup makes me look like a hooker most of the time, I'm hung up over my ex, I have depression , I have bad bad anxiety, I eat too much, I'm rude, disrespectful and just a hireable person!!! I never know what to say!! or how to take a compliment. ( not like I get any anyways anymore)

But like idfk I really just feel like it's eating away my teenage life and freedoms...

I can't be a normal teen !

I have to be formal and presentable,

No piercings or dying hair,

No tats or anything!