Black On White (day by day jernal)

If it ment to be its ment to be

So ya that guy I like and have like for a long time... the one from camping...

Well ya....

He's so sweet and ya he did call me pretty and beautiful witch made me like cry cuz he's so perfect and sweet but ... he always comments calling this one girl hot and with lots of hearts and shit... so it's like there married...

Oh well ya know I'm not gonna dwell over it.. I need to move on cuz if he really liked me he wouldn't be doing that and he would make an effort to talk to me so that's totally fine.

Like I could easily find someone to ease my mind for a while especially with the pageant I don't wanna get all hung up on a guy who's just wheeling me. Witch by the looks of it from a non fangirls view he's totally wheeling me..

I know he's a player and it's the worst part because I except it and still like him.

And it's not just him that yea.

Like something hit me in the new year.

I'm going on 15.. I matured that night.

Now I can fully say I feel as if I'm ready for a committed relationship and maybe ready for my first kiss... not with any random person, but if I knew them and genially liked them I feel as if I could and I feel more opened to talk about guys and ask about anything with guys I feel as if I can talk and be freer with my emotions although with the pageant and everything coming up and my non existing "boy problems" my anxiety is back at a high point. stress is at the max. I just can't wait to do the pageant and finally escape from this nervous stress.

Like I love it and am so ecstatic and exited. I just hope someone can smell my perfume... ( notice me) ( preferably cute and my type)

Idk if u could call any of my crushes my type... my type just Dosnt exist... cuz Trevor's not my ideal type but if I could be with anyone real or not it would be Trevor.

I don't really know....

Just the fear... the fear is everything, the fear to fail or not succeed or the fear of rejection or others thoughts of me. I Dident choose how I look or speak because even my strongest point I'm most conscious of also... my teeth.. if I had the choice I would still haven braces so I wouldn't have to deal with my retainer and the appearance of my teeth that Im still not happy with not color or shape. my hair yea I wear extentions because I'm nervous of it... there is no single outfit that I wear to school that I'm comfortable in... every single last one is uncomfortable or I'm constantly adjusting. and all I feel ugly or stupid in like something's wrong . I'm never going to be close to perfect I'm always going to be more to the odd outcast side.. I Dident choose this life and it only chose me because of what I've unexpectedly been threw, not because of anything I had done but my past of my parents and how I came about sos420 ....

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