castles → lil peep (completed)

Your Eyes

Chapter fifty four

I know I should be asleep, it is 4:30 in the morning after all but I have to finish this. With my notebook and pen in hand, I continued my list while sitting out on the hotel balcony; stupid I know. Outside at night in nothing more than a hoodie, shorts and socks when it's two days away from Christmas in Boston is borderline idiotic; I like the cold.

"What the fuck are you doing out here in barely anything? You're gonna get sick"

I turned around and saw Gus standing by the bay doors also in a hoodie but wearing sweatpants instead ; he was shivering like mad.

"Did I wake you? I'll be in soon go back to bed baby"

Without warning I was picked up and dumped on our double bed like a sack of spuds. Before I could get up Gus flopped next to me and wrapped all his limbs around my own.

"I'm not taking any chances, I will not let you freeze to death. What were you even doing out there at this time?"

"I was writing a list for all the things I want to do before I turn 22"

"Can I see?"

"Sure"

I passed him the notebook and saw him skim through the list, smile at a few and even laughing at some. Then he got to the one I underlined six times; I could tell by the way his eyes widened.

"You're kidding me?"

"It's been a while I know, but it still haunts me. Maybe if I talk to him in a controlled situation I can get some closure"

"I get that baby but have you thought this through? Do you really think you can sit face to face with John?"

"I think so, but if I get nervous you'll be there with me"

"Baby girl I wish but one look and I'm killing him"

"Then I'll go by myself, this is something I need l do"

"Let's just sleep okay?

"Okay, cuddle me"

"Don't have to tell me twice"

With Gus' body heat combined with the comforter, I found myself slowly falling asleep.

//////////////////////////

"Hey Ma, we're back"

"Hi you two, how was it?"

"Shannon finally realised how shitty Tim is"

"About time, I'm still struggling to believe it happened. Life was looking up for Eddie but he had to leave us"

Being back in Long Island felt good, hopefully we can get Liza discharged and home in time to put up Christmas decorations. It's Christmas Eve after all.

"Gus why don't you go sign out Ma?"

"Of course, I'll be back"

As soon as he left the hospital room, Liza broke done completely out of nowhere. It was like she was holding it in while he was around, like she didn't want him to think she was weak.

"I'm so sorry Em, it's all my fault. If I hadn't suggested Eddie and I go into town he would still be here"

I didn't even think twice before wrapping my arms around her in comfort. What the hell was I supposed to do?

"It's not your fault, I don't blame you. It was the drunk diver and he died too. That's the closest we're gonna get to justice and it's enough"

"You don't have to say that just because I'm Gus' mother, I took away your brother"

"No you didn't so stop thinking it. The time he knew you, he loved you"

"Oh sweetheart, how are you so kind?"

"I have no idea"

"Okay Let's g- what happened Mamma? Why are you crying?"

"No reason peeper, just excited for Christmas"

"Hmmm Alright, Let's go then; those decorations won't hang themselves"

We were walking to the Uber Gus had called seeing as Liza's car was still in for repair when he pulled me back.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Can't I smile?"

"Well you can obviously but you just lost Eddie, shouldn't you be more...?"

"Depressed? I am, just not letting it show. It's Christmas Eve, I wanna focus on that right now"

"You're so strong it's amazing"

"It's easy to be strong when you have someone like you by your side"

A few minutes passed where we walked happily in comfortable silence, the type that was nice and easy. The violent type comes later in the day.

"I love your eyes"

"What?"

"I love your eyes Gussie. They're so warm and cozy but can also be really fucking seductive"

"That's me for you, cozy but seductive"

"True, but don't forget they're also hot"

"All this about eyes?"

"You have feet, I have eyes"

"What a perfect combination, toes and eyes"

"Utterly perfect"