castles → lil peep (completed)

Life

Chapter sixty nine

I looked down at the crashing waves below, how the sea reflected the thunder clouds and occasional lightning; if I were to jump, I would definitely drown.

So what was holding me back?

Was it my father back in New York or my mother in Boston? Liza in Long Island or Bexey in London? Maybe it was even Emma who I haven't seen in months?

No, it was Gus.

Despite being one of the reasons my feet are poking off the edge of a cliff, he was also the one thing stopping me from jumping. When it comes down to it, this is what I needed and wanted to do; Gus means so much to so many and I almost killed him. How was I supposed to live with myself after that?

I didn't want to live with myself after that. I bet if he was here he'd say something stupid like-

"Don't jump"

Every muscle in my body tensed at the sound of his voice, surely he can't be here, that would be impossible........wouldn't it? Against the wind and rain I strained my neck and looked over my shoulder, but there he was; in his usuals black skinny jeans and blue jacket with tears running down his face.

"Don't jump"

"Don't keep saying that, Gussie please don't"

"Then climb back over the railing and I'll stop. For as long as you're an inch from, literally, death I'm not going to stop trying to save you"

"That's you're issue Gus, that's always been your issue; you keep trying to save me! When will you learn that I can't be saved?"

"I know why you're here, it's because you feel guilty for almost killing me when you quite clearly haven't. Tracy told me why you freaked out that day and let me tell you that there's no reason for you to feel bad"

"There's every reason why I should feel bad! All I do is cause pain and suffering and I don't want to do that anymore"

"Do you seriously believe that by killing yourself you won't be hurting anyone? Your dad, Emma, Bex, Goth, Tracy, Horse, my entire family...........me; we'll all hurt so badly"

"But you'll get over it, you are irreplaceable to so many people and I almost killed you....I don't want to risk that again"

Out of nowhere Gus suddenly swung one of his legs over the railing.

"Alright, if you insist on jumping then we'll jump together"

In a matter of seconds I felt myself become hysterical.

"No no no you can't Gus you can't"

"If you jump, we jump. You said it yourself, you and me forever and always"

"I won't let you, no, you can't I -"

Before I could finish my sentence, a familiar pair of hands yanked me back over the railing and into a tight body lock thing. Despite my thrashing T's grip didn't loosen and I eventually gave up as I laid down in the back of his car.......

How did life become so fucking problematic so fucking quickly?

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*Gus' POV*

With Em's head in my lap I stroked her wet hair as she shifted in her sleep; all that emotional......whatever it was really tired her out. Instead of staring out the window I admired her face in the dark light; just a month or so ago life was getting so much better but now it's done a total 360° turn. I know shit can change fast but I never expected it to change THAT fast.

I couldn't help but get a little bit frustrated and paranoid as I recalled the most recent events, Em should've told me what was going on back at the food court; all of this could've been avoided. Why didn't she tell me? Have I done something to make her distance herself and go this far to the edge?

"I know that look man, and you haven't done anything to make her push you away"

"Shit dude how'd you know?"

"I know you Peep and how you always overthink things, y'all need to stop assuming that shits always your own fault and talk or something"

"I get you but it's harder than that....I can't imagine how shitty it must be getting hallucinations of your psycho abuser"

"Me neither but it's just how life is man, shits fucked up...you just gotta learn to deal with it the right way"

"Thanks man, I appreciate the talk"

"I love you guys man, I want you two to live for as long as possible. That shit hurt back there and I don't want y'all to go through it again"

"I think I speak for both of us when I say we love you too dude-"

I looked down at Em's peaceful face and tucked a strand of hair behind her hair.

"- we'll come back from this...she'll come back from this, she's a survivor"