All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 17

Abby

Chris rang me every day the following week, I took his calls but I refused to see him. He told me he was sorry, he told me he loved me and he told me that he needed me. I listened with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. I wished I could be stronger...

Eventually I gave in and saw him. He'd moved back in with his mum and he said he'd stopped the drinking and the drugs. We promised each other no more lies. If this was going to work we had to be straight with each other. Of course, it was easy to be straight with him when I was trying so hard to stay in line and not upset him.

Outwardly I must have seemed happy. I got up every day, went to work, saw Chris, plastered a smile on my face whenever it was called for, but underneath it all it was a different story. I felt like I was treading water, keeping afloat but only just, like I might slip under the surface at any second.

I'd lied to Michelle when she'd called me, I told her that Chris and I had hardly rowed and everything was fine. I'd been disheartened with how easily the lies had tripped off my tongue. Practice makes perfect, I thought bitterly. The problem is, when you start lying for someone, covering for them, it starts to become second nature after a while.

It was two weeks after the Manchester trip when Michelle turned up on my doorstep unannounced. As soon as I opened the door my heart sank as I saw her expression. "Are you avoiding me?" She said straight away.

"No of course not," I lied. "I've just been busy that's all."

I moved aside and she stepped in. "Seeing Chris?"

"Yeah actually, we've been getting on really well."

Michelle looked unconvinced. "Hmm... that's exactly what you've been saying in your texts."

"And your point is?"

She narrowed her eyes. "I'm not daft you know. Something's up. How come you didn't want to go to that new tapas place with me and the lads the other day? You've been on about it for weeks."

I sighed and turned away, and Michelle closed the door and followed me into the kitchen. "I told you why I was busy. Chris was moving back into his mum's so he needed a hand."

I grabbed two mugs out of the cupboard and flicked the kettle on.

Michelle stepped forward, speaking softly. "Come on Abs, you know you can't hide anything from me. Are things really ok with Chris? I saw him in town on my lunch break the other day and he looked like shit."

"That's nice!" I forced a laugh.

"I'm being serious, he looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. You know I still can't believe he didn't freak out after our night away. After all those nasty voicemails and texts he sent. You never told me what happened anyway? Not properly."

I felt myself getting flustered. "I told you Michelle, he'd just got drunk and passed out. When I turned up he was grumpy and hungover, but he couldn't remember half of what he'd done. He felt bad about it when I showed him the messages. He was a bit pissed off but it was nothing."

I could tell she wasn't buying it. "You can tell me anything. You do know that, right?"

"Uh-huh." I busied myself making the tea as a distraction. "It's really sweet of you to worry about me but I'm fine, honest."

I smiled up at her, and she smiled back but hesitantly. I really needed to shift the focus from me.

"So how's it going with Bob?"

"Oh, he's amazing Abs, so sweet. Some of the stuff he comes out with honestly." She got that little look in her eyes she always got when she spoke about him. "He's invited me to meet his parents' next weekend too."