All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 38

Van

Music was my first love and it had always been a constant in my life. It had been a good life too, the usual childhood scrapes and teenage woes were always fixed by listening to my favourite tune, or later on, by grabbing my guitar and picking out a riff, scribbling some lyrics down. It was therapy. And then when the band were formed music became even more. Not just an accompaniment to life, but the reason for living it. I was a young boy with a dream and ambition, and enough recklessness to pursue that dream no matter what.

I'd always dreamed big too. Why dream about playing pubs when you can dream about filling arenas? Why dream about touring the UK when there was a big old world out there? When our manager had first told me about the tour of the States I'd thought he was winding me up, but the dream was fast becoming a reality. It was the moment I'd waited for my whole life.

So why was I now filled with uncertainty at the prospect of getting on that plane?

She stood in front of me on the balcony looking like a little girl lost. The t-shirt I'd lent her barely reached the top of her thighs, and she self-consciously tugged at the hem. Worry was etched on her beautiful face as she'd asked me if I was pissed off at her. As if I could ever be mad at her.

I was mad with myself alright. Mad for not being able to control my urges. Mad for losing my head over her. Mad for all of a sudden knowing that she would be all I would be thinking of flying 35,000 feet over the Atlantic the next day.

I told her how she made me feel, how I was crazy about her. I wanted to remember how beautiful she looked at that moment, almost ethereal bathed in the moonlight.

Now here she was, sitting astride me, kissing me with a passion that I would never have dreamed of from the shy girl who couldn't meet my gaze without blushing before. She rocked her hips back and forth, pressing into me in a way that made me almost lose control, but I made myself stop. She'd been hesitant before and I worried that she was doing this for the wrong reasons.

This girl had me in a spin, that's for sure. I was already fast forwarding to the morning after and worrying that Abby wouldn't feel the same way. Maybe she'd view me different, a lesser person. Maybe she'd be filled with regret.

She rose up slowly and stepped to my side and I watched her carefully, trying to anticipate her next move. I felt completely at her mercy as I sat there, aching for her in the most obvious way. Her eyes slipped down to my lap and quickly away, a little smile flickering across her lips.

I laughed, a little self-consciously and let my hands fall loosely into my lap. "Well, what can I say? I guess you've got me a little fired up."

She reached out and gently took one of my hands. I looked up at her as she spoke. "Well, I suppose we'd better go back to bed then..."

Abby

Van looked at me wide-eyed and open-mouthed, but only for a second. He certainly wasn't going to argue with me this time as he took the lead, pulling me along firmly by the hand, until we came to a stop next to the bed.

He sat down holding both of my hands, entwining his fingers through mine, pulling me forwards into a kiss as he lent further and further back until I had no choice but to fall on top of him.

I felt a flicker of doubt as I felt his fingers stray under the hem of my t-shirt and connect with my bare flesh, my insecurities surfacing, but I pushed them aside, focusing on the sensation of his hands as they caressed my skin, stirring sensations in me that I'd not felt for a long time. I let him tug the t-shirt up my body and over my head where it was flung on to the floor.

In a second he was pushing his body up, making me tumble over and on to my back before he climbed on top of me, sliding his legs between my thighs.

He hovered over me, pausing to look over my near naked form with desire in his eyes. "I don't even know where to start with you..." he whispered.

I reached up and peeled back his shirt over his shoulders as we kissed, and then he shifted his position, his lips moving to my neck then further down as he kissed a trail down to my collar bone, and then further still.
I buried my hands in his hair as his tongue flicked over my nipples, the sensation so exquisite that I arched my back, shuddering with pleasure.

My whole body was filled with electricity and my desperate need for him right then was all-consuming.

I reached down a hand and felt his stiffness through his boxers, and his breath hitched as he jolted, his lips returning to my neck.

"I've got a condom in my jacket," he breathed, his voice coming out ragged.

"I'm on the pill!" I said hurriedly, not wanting to feel his body leave mine, if only for a second. "Please don't stop..."

He hesitated, but I responded by pushing my hips up to meet his, hooking my fingers under the waistband of his boxers to slide them down. He tugged at the thin lace of my pants, roughly pulling them down and we both kicked our underwear aside, hands everywhere at once as the feeling of skin on skin heightened our passion even more.

I slid my hand down to grasp him and guide him to me, my desperate craving to feel him inside me taking over all of my senses.

"Are you sure about this?" He whispered, pulling back slightly, his eyes glazed with lust.

"I want you so bad..."

And I did, at that moment nothing else mattered. I wanted him, I needed him.

He relented and pushed his hips forward, making me gasp at the delicious feeling as he entered me. I grabbed his bum, pulling him to me, bucking my hips, wanting him to fill me completely.

"Christ Abby, you gotta slow down or I'm not gonna last..."

I was past caring, my whole body was on fire. His ragged breathing and gasps of pleasure only fuelled my desire more and I grabbed on to him tightly as if my life depended on it, my legs wrapping around his waist.

Then all of a sudden we were a mess of jutting hips, bodies slamming into one another, completely lost in the moment.

Before long his thrusts came faster and harder, and all too soon I felt his whole body tense as he reached his crescendo. We clung to each other until his climax subsided.

He lay there for a moment, his head buried into my neck, before he slowly rolled off me and on to his back. I grabbed the duvet, pulling it up over our naked bodies.

We both lay there, heads cocked to one side, eyes locked as we tried to process what had just happened.

"You know I've imagined that happening so many times," Van murmured. "But in my head it went down a little differently..."

My stomach dropped instantly, the high I was on threatening to disappear. Was he disappointed? "What do you mean?"

My insecurities must have been written all over my face as I saw Van's own expression change to concern. "Don't look at me like that! I didn't mean anything bad!" His voice was raised high as he reached out under the covers and slipped a hand around my waist, pulling me closer.

"That was incredible, YOU were incredible. It's just... I... err," he paused, eyes darting away before finding mine again. "In my version I lasted more than a few minutes!"

"Oh!" I gasped, relief flooding me. I couldn't help but let out a laugh as I rolled my body on to the side, moving closer to him.

The thought had never crossed my mind. My head was full of him, his urgent touch, the taste of his lips, the feel of his hips clashing with mine. How could I ever feel disappointed?

"Don't be silly," I shook my head slightly in disbelief, then nestled in close to him. "I've certainly got no complaints!"

He bent his head down and planted a soft kiss on the top of my head.

I looked up at him, my heart soaring. All this time spent second guessing, trying to work out if he felt the same way. The fear I'd felt cowering from Chris, the worry I'd never have the strength to leave him. It all seemed to fall away. I felt like we were at the centre of the universe and everything else was orbiting around us, distant and indistinct. Like nothing could touch us.