All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 33

Abby

The train journey to Manchester passed in a blur. I lent my head on the window peering out at the perfect blackness, wondering what direction my life was heading in now.

Michelle had been beside herself when she'd called me back, and I'd been almost too distraught to get my words out. But once I'd started talking I couldn't stop. It'd all come out. I felt like I was purging myself of all the badness, all the rotten parts of my relationship with Chris. Now I just felt tired and numb.

Michelle was waiting for me in the main station concourse and as soon as she saw me she dashed over, arms open wide, emotion clear on her face. "Oh Abs, come 'ere. You're okay now, that bastard's never gonna get to you ever again."

I let myself be enveloped as she held me tightly, feeling a little bit of the tension and anxiety drain from me. "It's so good to see you. I didn't know where to go. I'm sorry if I spoilt your night..."

"Fuck's sake stop that!" Michelle pushed slightly away from me with a horrified look on her face. "Don't go bloody apologising! You know you can call me any time. You're more important to me than anything!"

Her eyes were glistening as she spoke and this only caused my tears to start up again. She grabbed me back into a hug again before leading me over to a seating area. She held both my hands as she spoke. "I've been going out of my mind since I spoke to you. I should've been there tonight. I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

"Don't be daft," I said, digging in my handbag for a tissue and dabbing my eyes. "You weren't to know. I never told anyone what was going on. I don't know why I didn't... I guess I was in denial. I don't know. My head's been so fucked up."

"I wish you'd have told me," she said softly. Then abruptly her face contorted with anger. "I would've kicked the shit out of him! I swear I'd like to see him now, he'd wish he'd never been born!"

I couldn't help smile as Michelle raged, and this made her laugh. "I mean it you know!"

And I did know. Fiercely loyal, she always had my back and I loved her for it. I felt guilt for not sharing what had been happening in my life but knew that even if she didn't understand why I had stayed with Chris she would support me no matter what.

"I'm so fucking stupid. Why was I even still with him? These last few months I've had so much resentment, but I've just carried on. Maybe I thought he'd change. God, that sounds so cliche doesn't it?"

Michelle shook her head. "Don't worry about it now, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're safe. Has he tried to call you?"

I rummaged in my bag for my phone and was relieved to see no missed calls or texts. "No, thank god."

"Please, please don't take any calls off him. Does he know you're here?"

"No, no... he has no idea where I am."

I closed my eyes for a second, reliving the moment that Chris almost managed to open the taxi door. I shuddered, imagining the aftermath that might have ensued.

Michelle stood up, grasping my hand and urging me to follow as she nodded towards the taxi tank just outside the station. "I know you're gonna hate me saying this, but I really do think you need to consider getting the police involved."

The whole contents of my stomach seemed to sink. Of course that thought had lingered in my mind, but the thought of actually going through with it filled me with dread. Michelle gripped my hand tighter. "I'm here for you no matter what you decide you know."

We clambered into a taxi and Michelle gave the driver the name of the hotel. "I don't know... I need to think about what comes next. I don't even know what I'm gonna tell Eve let alone even thinking about calling the police!"