All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 30

Abby

That night I slept better than I had done in weeks. Despite all the fear and anxiety and doubt that had been plaguing me in recent weeks, Van filled my thoughts completely. He'd not left until the dawn was starting to stain the sky with early morning light, and he'd been on my mind as I'd drifted off to sleep. Then first thing when I awoke, all I could think of was the moment that he'd been so close, his lips only inches from mine. The look on his face... I could feel myself getting hot and flung off the covers, getting out of bed.

I needed to stop dwelling on this before it got out of hand. He was a friend and that was all. It had been reckless of me to spend time with him. All it did was make me realise how empty and devoid of emotion my relationship with Chris now was.

I thought back to a time where Chris and I had been happier, but there had always been a darkness in our relationship. I think maybe we'd seen in each other the pain we'd both endured in the past, a broken kindred spirit. But what sort of happiness could be forged when you were being constantly reminded of unhappier times? Surely to be good for somebody you constantly strived to make them happy, you comforted them, supported them, cared for them, looked to a brighter future together.

"What the hell was going on last night?" I heard Eve's scolding tone before I saw her enter the kitchen. "You two were making a right racket. You weren't... you know... were you?"

I looked up with an incredulous expression. "Of course not! Do you really think I'd be doing that behind Chris's back?"

Eve smirked. "Well, it would certainly serve him right."

"Yeah, well, I'm not like that," I protested, my cheeks flushing as I recounted how many times I'd played the scenario in my head where things had actually gone further.

It's not cheating if you've not actually done anything.... is it?

"Anyway, I think you should be careful. Don't get too mixed up with Van. He's probably with a different girl every night when he's touring."

My stomach clenched at the thought. "I think you've got him all wrong. He's actually pretty sweet..."

I trailed off as she shot me a withering look. "There you go again. Why do you always fall for the ones who are gonna break your heart? Look at Chris! No matter how happy you reckon you two are, I've never actually seen you this miserable."

I sighed, busying myself with making a cup of tea. She wasn't letting up. "And that's another thing," her voice was raised now. "Were you smoking weed in your bedroom last night?"

There was no point in denying it. I could still smell the scent lingering when I'd woken this morning. I felt like I'd just been sent back in time and been caught smoking behind the bike sheds at school.

"Yeah, and...?" I slammed the kettle down after I'd poured my drink, defiantly looking up at Eve. "I'm not a kid any more you know!"

"Well stop acting like one then!" Eve's sharp tone cut through me. "Getting stoned in your bedroom with some boy like a bloody teenager? When are you gonna grow up?"

Eve had the knack of making me feel young and naive again, and I suppose I was. I mean, what had I really hoped to achieve by spending time with Van last night?

Eve's expression softened and she stepped closer. "Look Abby, I know things are shit with Chris at the moment, I'm not stupid. But don't you think you ought to concentrate on sorting that out before you start getting yourself in too deep with someone else? You know Chris would go absolutely mad if he knew you had a guy here don't you?"

"I know," I said quietly. "But it's not that simple with Chris. I just don't know what to do."

"Leave him," Eve said, like it was the easiest thing in the world. "You're wasting your time with him. Within a few weeks you'll be wondering why you ever let him get under your skin."