All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 34

Abby

Van stepped into the room, running a hand through his hair, and I sat back down on the bed. He was hesitant, like he was carefully considering his words before he spoke. "Look, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm so sorry if I did. When I heard he'd hurt you I just saw red."

"I... I'm not hurt too bad, just a little shaken up..."

Van moved closer and sat on the bed next to me. I could see his eyes scanning my face and I instinctively raised my hand up to my cheek and dropped my head down. He shot a hand forward, his fingers under my chin, tilting my face to his. His eyes came to rest on my cheek. I realised I'd not even looked in the mirror yet. His jaw clenched and something simmered in his eyes that I couldn't quite work out.

"Did he hit you?"

I screwed my eyes shut. Covering for Chris had become second nature but I knew it was time to stop now. I just couldn't bring myself to say it to Van. He shifted on the bed beside me.

"He did, didn't he? And I bet it's not the first time he's hurt you."

My silence seemed to confirm Van's fears, and I didn't deny it. I just kept my eyes closed and let silent tears form and then make slow tracks down my cheeks. I heard Van curse under his breath, then he was on his feet, pacing in front of the bed.

I felt like I was outside my body, looking down, an observer to this tragic scene. I hated it.

Poor Abby, always the victim.

I spoke without looking at Van. "It's not like that, you don't understand. He doesn't beat me. He just lost it tonight... it's not like I walk around with a black eye constantly."

I turned to look at him then, and watched as his face contorted in disbelief.

"So it's okay as long as he doesn't leave a mark? Listen to yourself! This is NOT okay. He doesn't get to do this to you and get away with it!"

Van's voice was harsh, brittle with emotion. All of a sudden he stopped pacing and dropped to his knees in front of me, grasping hold of my hands. His expression softened and he looked searchingly into my eyes.

"You can't carry on like this Abby."

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak I was so choked up with emotion. Van reached up both hands, gently cupping my face, wiping away the tracks of my tears with his thumbs. He had such a sincere expression on his face, and all I could think was that I wanted him to hold me.

"I'm not going back there," I said, my voice coming out croaky.

Van's arms were around me in a second and he pulled me up on to my feet. I melted into his embrace, burying my face into his chest.

Van

"I'm not going back there."

My heart had been in my mouth as I'd knelt in front of Abby. My emotions were bubbling under the surface and I was having a hard time keeping them under control. But hearing those words was like some kind of release. I couldn't help but reach out for her, urging her to stand so I could hold her tight and feel her slight body against mine. She pressed her face into my chest and seemed to melt into me, her body shuddering now and again as the sobs wracked her, but in time they slowed, and we were still pressed together.

I'm not sure how much time passed, but eventually she shifted and I reluctantly let my hands loosen their grip on her.

"God I'm sorry," I said, backing away slightly and pulling my shirt away from my body. "I get so bloody sweaty on stage. The last thing you want is to get so close."