All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 79

Van

Pull yourself together Van!

I took a deep breath, turning away from Abby, willing my racing heart to slow its pace. I needed to find a distraction, something to take my mind off how her body felt beneath mine, the way her breathing quickened and her cheeks flushed, her lips slightly parted like she was waiting for me to kiss her. I just worried that if I started kissing her I wouldn't be able to stop. I didn't think she was ready for that, and I had to accept it.

I pushed the window open further, taking another deep breath. The evening air was still warm, the setting sun painting the sky a wash of golds and reds. I leant forward, pushing the window open all the way, pulling myself up on to the windowsill and then swinging my legs around and over the frame.

"What are you doing?" Abby's voice came high-pitched and urgent, and I glanced around to see her looking slightly alarmed.

"Don't worry I'm not gonna end it all!" I chuckled, easing myself down on to the narrow ridge that ran under the window ledge.

Abby moved forward, watching me, concern still evident on her face and I leaned through the open window to her. "Can you pass me my guitar please? And my fags."

She picked up the guitar and approached the window, peering out, trying to look down, so I grabbed the frame, leaning back to allow her to see. She suddenly grabbed my arms, crying out my name.

"Van! Oh my god I thought you were falling!"

"It's quite safe!" I reassured her, but she didn't look convinced. I pointed. "Look, just there. Can you see just beyond this ledge? There's a flat roof. Come on... you gonna come out?"

Abby just looked back at me, her beautiful green eyes wide like saucers. "It looks kinda dangerous... it's a long way down."

I took the guitar from her, reaching around and placing it down on the flat roof, then I slipped my cigarette packet into my jeans pocket. I reached out a hand to her. "Come on, I'm not gonna let you fall."

She hesitated, then boosted herself up on to the windowsill, swinging her legs around and out the window. I held her firmly by the arm as she gingerly stretched her legs down so her bare feet came to rest on the ledge.

"Oh my god," she giggled, pulling the nightdress my mum had lent her back down to a respectable level after it got caught on the window catch, exposing her right up to her underwear.

"Look, if you want me to behave myself you'll have to stop flashing me!" I teased.

She smirked at me then, shaking her head. I stepped around on to the safety of the flat roof and held her steadily as she stepped over too. Then I sat down, beckoning her to sit beside me. She leant back against the brickwork, hugging her knees up to her chest.

"What the hell are we doing out here on your parents' roof?" She still sounded a bit anxious, leaning over slightly to see the ground which was a considerable distance away.

"I always used to sneak out here to smoke when I was younger. I used to call it my balcony. I just used to come out here with my smokes and my guitar and write tunes... watch the sun go down."

She turned to look at the setting sun, a wistful look on her face, like she was focussing on a memory.

"What you thinking about?" I wanted to know.

"Oh... errr... nothing," she began, looking down, then she appeared to change her mind, smiling shyly at me. "You'll think I'm silly. It's kinda soft."

"Try me."

She had a little glint in her eye as she started to speak. "It's just when you were away on tour... I always used to look up at the sun at the end of the day, wonder where you were... what you were doing... whether you ever thought about me."