All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 44

Van

The pain was almost physical. I felt like someone was clutching my heart tightly in a clenched fist. I realised how much hope I had put in this fragile idea that Abby was just going to fall into my arms that afternoon like a scene from a movie. But life's not like the movies.

I could hear Larry talking all the way home, offering his support and comfort but it was just background noise. I was too busy analysing the night that Abby and I had just spent together, trying to work out what I'd done wrong, or what I'd not done.

Had I ruined things by moving too fast? Maybe I'd just let my own selfish desires get in the way, scared her off by taking things too far when all she'd really needed was a friend to comfort her.

Or maybe I was a disappointment. Old insecurities I'd not felt for years reared their head. If I'd taken my time and satisfied her would that have made a difference?

But maybe there was nothing I could have done. Maybe the hold Chris had on her was so strong that I never even stood a chance. It could be fear, it could be loyalty, it could even be love despite everything.

Maybe... fuck maybe! No matter what the reason was the truth was plain and simple. Abby had made her choice and I had lost. And there was nothing I could do about it.

By the time the minibus arrived I'd made Larry promise not to tell the others about what had happened. I couldn't bare the thought of going over it again, hearing sympathy in my friends' voices whilst they commiserated with me. I sat in the back, cradling my guitar, trying to keep my mind occupied. I told the lads I was working on some new lyrics as an excuse and they mostly left me alone with my thoughts, cracking the odd comment now and then.

"Hey, you wouldn't think our Van had got laid last night, would you? He's hardly said two words since we picked him up!"

"Christ sake Van, you've got a face like a wet weekend in Llandudno, we're off to LA you know, not a funeral!"

I snapped back at them. "Lay off will ya, I just had a row with Dave that's all, he rang me earlier giving me a hard time again."

"What's up with him now?" Benji said, tilting his head back from the seat in front.

"It's not important now..."

My eyes met with Larry's and he offered a small smile, then he leant forward, starting up a conversation about some venue we were playing in San Francisco after we left LA. The attention was diverted from me as excited discussion broke out, and I was grateful for that. I could always depend on Larry.

I was glad to get out of the confines of the minibus when we arrived at the airport. I was itching for a cigarette and a shot of something strong enough to take the edge off my heavy heart and the incessant thoughts that flitted through my head like a hurricane.

We checked in and then found a bar in the departure lounge. There was an excited buzz now amongst our group, and I concentrated on trying to find that high, plastering on a fake smile and cracking jokes when I could, slipping off to the smoking area for a nicotine fix when I couldn't fake it.

The buzz from the alcohol helped. The only trouble was I wasn't the biggest drinker, so trying to match Johnny drink for drink soon had me reeling. I told myself this was good though. I didn't want to think straight, I just wanted to obliterate the image of Abby in Chris's arms that forced its way into my mind every time I let my guard down.

By the time we were ready for boarding I was a mess. The lads all thought it was hilarious. Larry and I were seated together and I was relieved to not have to put up a pretence whilst the hurt was still so raw.