All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 42

Van

After I dropped Bob's car off at his house I dropped his keys through the letterbox and started the short walk back to mine. The sun had disappeared and the sky was now the colour of slate with plump rainclouds looming overhead. I patted down my jacket pockets and realised with frustration that I'd finished the last of my cigarettes back at the hotel.

"Shit!" I grumbled to myself, jamming my hands in my jacket pockets and hunching over. As the raindrops started to spatter down on the pavement I picked up my pace, but soon the rain came heavier and heavier and by the time I'd reached my street my hair was dripping wet and plastered to my face.

I couldn't get Abby out of my mind. I tried thinking about the tour, tried to get excited about the prospect of visiting all the amazing places we were headed, but it was no use. Abby flitted in and out of my thoughts constantly. Last night I'd dared to think that maybe she was mine, but this morning she'd seemed so distracted, I knew I'd been a fool to let my guard down.

I busied myself packing when I got back home, and before long I heard the front door opening and Larry calling my name up the stairs. "Up here mate, just packing," I shouted down to him.

I heard him bounding up the stairs and then he was in my room, an expectant look on his face. "So... how did it go?"

I carried on pulling shirts off hangers and stuffing them into my suitcase, not looking Larry in the eye, not wanting to give away my disappointment. "How did what go?"

"Come on Van, you know full well what I'm going on about. Abby! You know Abby? The girl of your fucking dreams?"

I looked at him then, and the huge grin he was wearing faded quickly when he saw my expression. "Oh shit... not good then?"

I shrugged, shaking my head. "I don't know Larry, I mean I know she likes me, but she's holding back. I don't know whether it's just too soon. Maybe she's still in love with Chris even after what he did."

Larry frowned. "No way, she told me she definitely didn't love him any more!"

"What?" I blurted out, glaring at my friend. "When have you spoken to her about him?"

"Calm down, okay?" Larry answered, raising his hands up defensively. "Back at the hotel, when you went out for a fag. She said she didn't love him and she doesn't even want to see him anymore. It's over, I'm telling you. It's you she likes."

I should have been happy on hearing this, but I was still riddled with doubt. Larry went on. "Have you even told her how you feel?"

The previous night flooded my mind. "Yeah, yeah I did..."

"Before or after you got her into bed?" Larry chipped in.

"Does it matter?" I grumbled, feeling my hackles rise at the mere suggestion that I might have been telling Abby what she wanted to hear to get my way with her.

"Of course it does! If you play it cool the next day, how does that look?"

"But she seemed distant. And I just didn't know what to say... I couldn't find the right words."

"You write lyrics for a living and you're stuck for words?" Larry was laughing and the irony wasn't lost on me.

"Besides, I didn't want to scare her off coming on too strong anyway."

"Better that than have her thinking you're not that bothered. I mean, wouldn't you rather know either way?"

I slammed the wardrobe door, chewing over Larry's words, grudgingly coming to terms with the fact that he did actually have a point.