All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 81

Abby

I swam up through the layers of sleep, my eyes blinking open and squinting at the bright sunshine that flooded the room. Immediately my thoughts went to Van, I had expected to wake up in his arms or at least see him lying next to me, so the empty space in the bed beside me filled me with apprehension.

I tried to push my worries away, letting my mind wander back to the night before. I closed my eyes and pictured us entwined, tried to re-live the feel of his hands caressing me and the way his kisses sent shivers across my skin. He'd made me feel like I was the only girl in the world at that moment. Was that how he was with other girls in the past? He'd certainly had plenty of girlfriends and there was me with my bitter past and lack of experience. I shook my head as if to clear the thoughts. I couldn't carry on being like this, wracked with insecurity, looking for reasons not to be happy. I had to stop living in the past and believe that this time things would be different with Van. I was determined. I couldn't let my heart break again. I wasn't strong enough for that.

I sat up in bed, pulling the covers around my naked frame, glancing around for signs of Van's possessions. His cigarettes were missing off the nightstand, his jeans and shirt that had been cast on the floor last night were gone. In fact the only sign he'd been there at all was the old acoustic guitar that lay propped against the wall.

I pictured us on the roof, him faultlessly picking out the melody, his beautiful voice singing the very words of the song that I'd desperately tried to avoid listening to for all those years. I'd been so sure that hearing it would be like a catalyst that would set off a reaction in me so disastrous that I might never recover. I was frightened to become immersed in the memories, the fragments of my childhood that had held happier times. Maybe Van was right though. I should cherish those times, not run from them.

I thought about his parents and the warmth and affection between them and it filled my heart with a glow, a certain wondering whether there may eventually be a space for me there too. But wasn't that a dangerous thought? I didn't want to get too ahead of myself.

My phone buzzed on the nightstand, making me jump. I leaned over and tapped on the message that had just come through from Michelle.

Michelle: Did you? 😉

A smile came unbidden to me at my friend's typical kind of brash question, and I was still grinning as I tapped the screen to call her.

"Well...?" Was her greeting.

"So... no good morning, how are you or did you sleep well or anything like that?" I giggled.

"Well... I'm kinda hoping you didn't sleep well, if you know what I mean!" Michelle's voice was loaded with innuendo.

I decided to wind her up. "Actually... I slept like a baby..."

"Abs... fucking spill it! Don't keep me in suspense!"

"A lady doesn't kiss and tell!" I giggled.

"You did! You did, didn't you? Oh my god!" She was practically squealing. "So... are you two like... together now then?"

I paused, my smile faltering. Were we? Sure, Van said all the right things and did all the right things, but I was loathe to assume anything.

"Why've you gone all quiet?" Michelle sounded cautious now.

"It's nothing. I just... I don't know." I screwed my eyes shut. "I really like him Michelle. I think... I think I'm in love with him."

I was surprised to hear laughter down the line. "You think it do you? So you've only just worked it out? Abs... I could have told you this months ago. And in fact I think I probably did!"