All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 27

Abby

I hugged Michelle goodbye and walked through the back gate, Van following close behind. He paused to light up a cigarette then starting walking a few paces behind me. I slowed to let him catch up and he slowed too. What was he up to? I stopped and turned to him. "What are you doing?"

"Don't wanna cramp your style," he said, a cheeky grin on his face. "Since you didn't want me to walk you home. Thought I could just hang back and keep an eye on you like."

I couldn't help but smile at that. "I didn't mean it like that!"

I started walking again, and he fell into step beside me. "Me and my girlfriend always used to fight about her walking home on her own you know..."

"Alice?"

He grinned at me. "Fuck no! Can you imagine Alice walking anywhere?"

I giggled. "I guess not..."

"It was a while back. Before all this stuff started happening with the band. I'd be out playing a gig and I'd ring her and she'd be walking back from the pub. On her own. Used to drive me crazy it did. But then she'd say well come and walk me, but of course I couldn't..."

He trailed off, looking into the distance as he blew out a plume of smoke. "It was shit really, I should've been there..."

"Well you've got to get your priorities right, huh?" Van looked at me and I realised it sounded like I was making a dig at him. "Err... sorry that came out wrong! I just meant it must be really hard to juggle stuff. I mean... relationships."

"I guess it's hard but it just depends."

"I definitely couldn't do it," I said, shaking my head slightly.

"I think anyone could make it work, if they were with the right person." Van looked at me then quickly looked away, his brow furrowed. "I mean if something's worth it, it's never easy is it?"

"Life in general's just not easy," I sighed, keeping my eyes fixed down.

I noticed him flicking the butt of his cigarette down and we walked in silence for a moment, the noises our feet made hitting the pavement the only sound. It wasn't exactly awkward but I was willing Van to speak. I stole a glance at his perfect profile and he looked thoughtful.

"So..." he finally spoke, his voice sounding cautious. "How are you really? Have I done something to offend you? Seems like you've been trying to avoid me. And asking me to stop messaging you..."

I really didn't want the conversation taking this direction. I could feel my anxiety rising. I tried to keep calm. "I'm sorry... it's just Chris... he doesn't like other guys messaging me."

Van was wide-eyed. "So you're not allowed to have friends?"

"It's not that..."

"Sounds that way to me. You shouldn't let him tell you what to do."

"He doesn't. I can make my own decisions!" I protested.

"Does he make you happy? Because you don't seem to be."

I was stunned to hear him being so upfront.

"Look... me and Chris are fine. Things are pretty good actually..." I trailed off. He was looking at me like someone might look at a child who'd been caught fibbing. I felt my cheeks warm.

"Really? I heard Michelle was worried about you."

What was being said behind my back? I felt annoyance flash through me. "That's nothing new, she's always worrying!" I snapped.