All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 59

Abby

"I thought you'd gone..."

"More like hoped I'd gone," Van said quietly, stepping closer.

I busied myself locating my keys and took my time opening the door, using the opportunity to surreptitiously wipe my eyes and try to pull myself together. I wasn't going to be able to just walk away from Van. He was persistent that's for sure.

"I suppose you'd better come in," I said resignedly as I pushed through the door and stood back for him to step through.

I had no intention of letting him stay for long but I knew he wouldn't leave me alone until he'd said his piece. I carried on through to the kitchen with Van following me. I picked up a bottle of vodka from the side, then thought better of it, placing it back down and flicking on the kettle instead. "Cuppa?"

Van nodded whilst he lingered nervously, half in the kitchen, half in the hallway. An uneasy silence fell over us as we both watched the steam start to rise from the kettle. I kept my eyes down as I grabbed the cups and tea bags, feeling Van's eyes burning into me. I wished he'd say something, anything, even if it made me mad. I didn't know where to even start.

"Larry told me you'd had a chat," he said finally.

"Uh-huh," I nodded, still not looking at him. I didn't want him to get out of explaining why he'd done what he'd done, I wanted to hear it from him.

"Look, I can't change what happened. I felt so gutted seeing you with Chris I just kinda lost the plot. I got drunk... I'm not making excuses... but I didn't plan for it. I didn't go out looking for someone to sleep with."

Anger twisted my words with sarcasm. "Oh so you just ACCIDENTALLY shagged someone then? What happened? Did you fall on top of her or something?"

Van looked down, shamefaced. "It was a mistake."

I looked at him then. "Like I made YOU make a mistake? You said so in the song."

"No... no... it WASN'T a mistake with you. That damn song... I wrote it when I was mad." He screwed his eyes shut, running both hands through his hair. When he opened his eyes I thought maybe I could see them glistening slightly. He stepped forward, planting his hands on the kitchen counter and leaning over it towards me.

"Knowing I've hurt you is killing me. Most of the time I was away I convinced myself that you didn't care. I thought our night meant nothing to you. I just thought Chris had a hold on you and he'd never let you go. I know now that I should have called you. I don't know what it was... pride... stubbornness... whatever it was it was fucking stupid!"

"The thing that really gets to me is that talk we had. Remember, the one about people making assumptions? You were upset that I'd assumed things about you, weren't you? And then you went and did exactly the same with me. You didn't even give me a chance."

Van looked at me searchingly. "If I could go back and do it all again I would, but I can't. I just want to know what I can do to put it right."

"Van... a lot has happened since then..." I started, and then his phone started ringing so I stopped.

He slid his phone out of his jacket pocket, looked at it with a slight frown, ended the call and replaced it. I busied myself with making the tea and we fell silent again.

"Hold up! What're you doing?" Van was suddenly leaning forward, hands outstretched.

I froze, spoon in cup. "What?" I looked at him only to see that the alarm in his voice didn't match the expression on his face. He was actually wearing a wide grin. I just looked back at him, confusion surely evident on my face.