All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 50

Van

Dave had booked us some studio time in Denver to work on some new material. We were supposed to be coming to decisions about which tracks we wanted to put on the album, but my writers' block was still plaguing me and we only had about seven definites. It was the first time in my life I'd ever had an issue. Even when I'd split up with Natalie the words had still flowed, angrier and more raw than my usual style, but they were still there. I felt hollow whenever I picked up my notebook, reading and re-reading old lines, feeling the sting seeing Abby's name scrawled across the pages.

I'd still not spoken to Bob since mine and Larry's discussion. Overhearing conversations about how happy Abby was just confirmed my thoughts that she was better off without me.

The lads were sitting round in the studio, eager to hear the only song I'd managed to pen recently. Although I wrote the songs myself it was a collective effort to produce the finished article. I likened it to me being the artist drawing the outlines, and the others painting on the colours to produce the finished piece. Each had their part to play.

Larry sat off to the side, and he gave me a little nod before I looked down at my acoustic guitar, and started to pick out the notes. The room was silent as I began to sing.

Darling, I'm done for once
And as soon as I get out of here
I plan on coming back for nothing
But then again there's you
And although this town does flaunt
All the stuff you need to feel at home
I plan on taking from it nothing
But then again there's you

I took a deep breath before I began the chorus, closing my eyes.

Abby she's got to wait
Until she gets you on your own
So she can make you make mistakes
And you can offer to take her home
It's not like I don't miss it none
But the quicker I drink more in here
The quicker I lose track of you
But I know you wouldn't want that

I opened my eyes and looked up at my friends sat before me, watched them exchanging glances. Johnny had a little knowing smile on his lips and Benji sat back, eyes wide. Bob frowned. I carried on, looking back down at my guitar.

And although this town does flaunt
Much thicker stories than I care to talk
Darling you, you've ducked them in style
I'll always love you for that

Abby she's got to wait
Until she gets you on your own
So she can make you make mistakes
And you can offer to take her home
And now she's wearing that top you love
And she's topping it all off
By acting like somethings up
She always knew how to pull the strings

I stopped then, looking up again and pointing at Johnny. "Right, this bit here. I'm thinking a short pause before you come in Bondy. You do what you do best, take the guitar for a walk..."

I trailed off. Four pairs of eyes were fixed on me. The silence was deafening. I laughed awkwardly. "So what d'ya think then fellas?"

Johnny spoke first. "Abby, huh?"

I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly. "You know me, I take my lyrics from all sorts of places, these just fit well with the song."

Benji sat forward in his seat. "Christ sake Van, you can stop the pretence now. You've been moody since we started this tour. It's pretty obvious you've been cut up over Abby. We know Larry's been covering for you. Whatever the hell happened?"

Larry shrugged at me and I knew it was time to come clean. "Abby made her choice. And she chose Chris."

Bob's frown grew even deeper. "What are you going on about Van? I'm pretty sure Abby chose you. Who did she run to the night it all kicked off?"

"I saw her again, just before we flew out. After I'd dropped her off at her house I went back. Chris was there..." I felt myself tense at the memory. "Larry tell 'em."

Larry didn't get chance. Bob stood up.

"You've got it all wrong. Michelle told me Chris showed up the next day. Abby was terrified!"

I shook my head. "She didn't look scared to me. They were all over each other!"

"Van, that's not strictly true mate," Larry piped up.

Bob stepped over to me and I stood up, placing my guitar on the seat behind me.

"All I know is Chris showed up all upset wanting to say goodbye. He knew he'd gone too far and it was over. He's gone to London to stay with his sister. Abby's not even heard from him since."

I stood still, looking at Bob, digesting his words. Had I got it all wrong? Was it just a goodbye? I hadn't actually witnessed them kissing or anything, and in fact I'd not even seen Abby's face at all. Fuck...

I ran my hand through my hair and turned on my heel, pushing through the door. I needed to get away. I felt like screaming, shouting, punching something, anything to distract me from the grating voice in my head telling me I'd fucked up. I paced up and down, struggling to light up a cigarette with my trembling hands. The door swung open and Bob stepped out. I carried on pacing, throwing my hands up in the air.

"Well I've fucked it now haven't I? I presume you told Michelle all about me picking up that girl in LA?"

Bob looked serious. "Of course I did! Look, I wasn't gonna lie for you Van. Abby's a nice girl and she's been through enough."

"I know, I know. I don't deserve her. Maybe I never bloody did. I was only ever gonna go and let her down."

Bob lent against the wall. "I don't get it. Why didn't you just call her? You could have sorted all of this out straight away."

"'Cause I'm a fucking idiot!" I snapped. "I was so sure she didn't want me."

"You should call her... tell her how you feel. Tell her why you did what you did."

I imagined ringing Abby, her seeing my name on the screen and rejecting the call. Maybe she'd answer and scream and shout at me. Maybe she was unfazed and had already moved on. Somehow the not knowing was better than any of those scenarios.

"All I hear you saying is how happy she is every time Michelle calls. She doesn't exactly sound bothered."

"You know what Michelle's like, she's so protective of Abby. She's always so keen to tell me how great Abby is, too keen if you ask me."

I was confused. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know, it's just a feeling. She certainly wouldn't admit to it. Maybe Abby IS actually upset but she doesn't want it getting back to you. Michelle wouldn't let on if you'd gone and broken her heart."

Broken her heart...

Is that what this pain was that I'd been feeling? I felt a lump in my throat and swallowed it down, flicking my cigarette butt down to the floor.

"What are you gonna do?" Bob wanted to know.

"Let's get this song done, then I can think straight..."

* * * * *

We worked on Rango all morning and by lunchtime we were happy with it. It felt cathartic to release some of my feelings singing the lyrics with the band behind me doing what they did best.

Dave wandered in whilst we were finishing up, nodding his head in approval. "You've done it again McCann, pulled another one out of the bag! Come on let's hit the pub, I'm buying!"

"That's a definite single there lads!" Larry commented.

Dave slapped me on the back as we made for the door. "Don't know who this Abby bird is or what she's done to you, but I reckon I owe her a drink!"

I scowled, grabbing my jacket, desperate for a drink to quell the racket in my head.