All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 65

Abby

I looked across at Van as he pulled out of the car park, pretty sure that he'd engineered this just to get us on our own but not minding one bit. He glanced over, a smile playing on his lips as our eyes met. He still made me feel a little shy, a part of me still slightly overwhelmed by him and the way I felt whenever I was near him.

"So... are you gonna keep me in suspense then?" I said.

"Grab my phone," he said, nodding towards it where it rested on the centre console. "Just check the bluetooth's on so it'll connect to the stereo."

I did as I was asked, waiting expectantly. "Yeah?"

"My music files are in the folder in the bottom left corner. Open that and click on the one at the top..." he hesitated then, his eyes on the road ahead. "It's for you..."

"Oh..." I was caught unawares, not expecting that, opening the folder and looking at the list. "Cocoon?"

"Uh-huh," he nodded. "I think the top one's the acoustic version, then the one below's with the whole band. Reckon it'll make the album but we've not played it live yet. We gotta road-test it first."

"Which one should I play?" I said, feeling a mixture of excitement and apprehension.

"Whatever... both if you like! Maybe the acoustic version first?" I thought maybe he was nervous as he sat there chewing on his bottom lip.

I clicked on the file, listening as the sounds of an acoustic guitar strumming filled the car. Van glanced at me quickly, then looked away back at the road, shifting in his seat. He really was nervous.

As soon as the singing started, I was transported back to the hotel room balcony the morning after me and Van had spent the night together in Manchester.

I fell straight into your arms
Like a drunk who's been on it
All morning, and the sun's up
And my head's fucked
And immediately I grab you
You go all red, like the first time
I love it when you do that
God I love it when you do that

I was glad we were in the car and Van wasn't sitting in front of me playing the song. Just like the lyrics, my cheeks were aflame. But it wasn't the only thing that was alight. My heart felt fit to burst, and I was sure my expression at that moment said it all.

I remember when we swapped names
And I thought maybe
You'd stay and try and outdrink me
Your friends all hated it
Fuck it if they talk
Fuck it if they try and get to us
'Cause I'd rather go blind
Than let you down

He glanced over then, in time to catch my eyes widen. "That line... you used it!"

"Told you I would!" He grinned.

I cocoon round your shoulders
When you're half cut and you're frozen
And you've got that visible breathing
You're dependent on me again

This time Van sang along with the chorus and we both sang the last line together, glancing at each other, smiling.

"Cause I'd rather go blind than let you down!"

Van was quiet as I listened to the rest of the song and it was perfect. There was a line in there about me shutting myself off and trying to act like I was happy, and I was sure he'd also made reference to the time we'd shared a sneaky joint in my bedroom.

When the song finished I was blown away, not quite sure how to react. It was quiet for a moment until Van spoke. "I've been so nervous about showing that to you."