All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 40

Abby

I watched Van walking through the door, my heart sinking a little more with every step he took. Then he was gone.

What the fuck are you doing Abby?

I grabbed my phone, angry with myself, calling Michelle. The phone rang for quite some time before she answered it.

"Abby! Are you okay?"

"Yeah... I think so... I don't know..."

"What's happened? Do you want me to come up?"

"No, no it's okay. I just wanted to speak to you. I think I've done something stupid."

Michelle paused, then when she spoke her voice was low. "Did you... you and Van... you know?"

I hesitated, and that was all the proof she needed. Now her voice was so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear. "You did, didn't you? You shagged him!"

"Shhh Michelle!" I was imagining Bob disapproving for some reason.

"Oh my god I knew it!" She was still loud, and laughing now. "But what's the problem? He likes you, you like him.... wait... you're not feeling guilty about Chris are you?"

"No... not guilty... just worried. It's over with me and him but what's he going to do when he finds out? He's going to go crazy."

"It's none of his fucking business!" Michelle cried angrily. "He's treated you like shit for long enough, and then what he did last night! Has he been in touch with you? Please don't tell me you've answered his calls?"

"No of course not. He keeps texting me this morning saying he's sorry and he wants to see me but I've not replied."

"Good. Don't have anything more to do with him Abs... please. It's about time you started doing what's right for you."

I sighed. "I know, but... this thing with Van... I don't know..."

Michelle's voice was soft now when she spoke. "Abby, you do know you deserve to be happy right?"

"My head's so messed up Michelle. It's too soon. I really like him but I know I'm just gonna muck things up. I've already pissed him off this morning... And why would he want me? I'm such a mess at the moment."

"Abs, don't go sabotaging things because you feel like you're not bloody worthy or something. Chris completely wrecked your confidence treating you like he did. Sometime's you just gotta take a risk... oh shit, I'm gonna have to go... Bob's being poorly again..."

"Oh... poor Bob... I'll let you go..."

I ended the call, feeling mad with myself. Michelle was right. I brought up Chris's messages one by one on my phone, hitting delete.

Van

If anyone asked me what the most important thing was in my life I wouldn't even hesitate. It was simple. The band would come first every time.

Standing in the hotel lift that morning after tearing myself away from Abby I felt a sinking feeling in my gut that I wasn't used to feeling. For the first time in my life I'd asked myself the question again and I'd hesitated. It was ridiculous of course. I'd only known her for a matter of months, and during practically all of that time her heart had belonged to someone else. Even now, despite the night we had spent together, it most probably still did.

Something had shifted. She'd looked so happy when I sung her the lyrics I'd written for her that very morning. The sparkle in her eyes was unmistakable, she was practically glowing... Then she'd picked up her phone. I'd watched her through the doorway, watched the smile slip right off her face, her eyes squeezing shut like she was trying to block out what she'd seen. Then I'd tried to kiss her and she'd slipped away. She was still slipping now, right through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it.