All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 53

Van

Life was moving so fast. It was like sitting on a train watching the scenery flick past so quickly it was almost a blur. We travelled from state to state, playing shows practically every other night. I'd stand on the monitors at the front of the stage and listen to the fans singing the words of the songs back to me. My songs.

We'd just played a show in Boston. The lads were all complaining they were knackered but I just felt wired. I'd given it my all on stage, belting out the lyrics like it was the last show I was ever going to play, and the adrenaline was still coursing through me.

"You killed it tonight lads," Dave congratulated us as we piled back on the bus after meeting fans. "Keep pulling this off for the rest of the tour and I can see you hitting the big time. I've already had promoters on the phone for a string of festivals back home this summer."

Excited chatter erupted immediately, everyone talking at once.

"Hey Bob, which festival did Michelle go to last weekend?" Benji shouted across the bus.

"Neighbourhood Weekender I think it was. Abby's mate Sam got them tickets. She said it was brilliant."

My ears pricked up. Sam?  I'd not heard that name before. I was about to comment but Johnny started telling some tale about drunkenly forgetting where he'd set up his tent at Glastonbury one year. Dave cut in.

"Well lads, you won't have to worry about pitching a tent when you're performing there. I wasn't going to say until it was definitely confirmed, but I'd say it's about 99% certain you'll be playing the Other Stage there this summer."

"Fucking Glasto! Are you serious?" Johnny's eyes were as wide as saucers.

"We've made it!" I said, feeling overwhelmed by the sense of achievement that I felt at that moment, exchanging a look with Larry that immediately took me back to a day in our teens when I'd told him I'd headline a huge festival one day. This was still a way from the coveted headline slot, but the once unattainable dream was playing out right in front of us, and it was ours for the taking. I pictured a huge crowd, all bouncing to our music, hands in the air, people up on shoulders.

Celebratory beers were passed around and I took one. I'd not touched a drop of alcohol for weeks since I'd got wasted one night and I'd woken the next day with a notification of a call to Abby on my phone and absolutely no recollection of our conversation, or if we'd even had one. I'd considered calling her back but I kept putting it off again and again until the day was over and then the following day I managed to convince myself that I'd left it too late. I'd not heard from her so that must have been a sign that she didn't want anything to do with me, right?

After the revelation that I'd messed up, I'd made Bob promise not to tell Michelle about what had happened. It had been hard to convince him, Bob was the sort of person who hated conflict and wanted to get things out in the open, but I'd told him I was determined to sort out my own crappy mess, and he'd relented.

Even though time had started to heal the rawness of what I'd done to Abby, there was still a dull ache in my heart whenever I thought of her. With only just over a week left of the tour the realisation that I'd have to face her soon left me feeling panicked. I felt cowardly for avoiding contact with her, but the truth was I was petrified. I had no problem standing up in front of a couple of thousand people, telling my story through my lyrics, but standing in front of Abby and telling her how I felt was a terrifying prospect.

Eventually the rest of the band made for the bunks, lulled by the motion of the bus as we travelled to our final destination, New York. I headed for the lounge at the back. Larry and I often slept there, I was a restless sleeper and would keep the others awake, tossing and turning, getting up in the early hours for a smoke and a brew, hearing some lyrics in my head which I then knew I had to commit to paper before they dispersed. My restlessness didn't bother Larry who in all probability would sleep through the apocalypse.