All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 37

Abby

"Is this okay?" Van's voice was quiet, just a murmur.

He was so close now that I could feel his whole body pressed up to me, and he slipped a hand gently around my waist. I jolted at the sensation.

How should I react? Maybe I was overthinking things. It did feel good. Being with Van felt warm, and comfortable, and safe. I let myself relax a little. "Mmm... yeah... it's nice actually."

Maybe we could keep things platonic and be close without complications.

I felt the mattress dip behind me as Van moved, and all of a sudden his hand had left my waist and was brushing the hair back which was falling over my shoulder. I lifted my head slightly, feeling his warm breath on my neck just a second before his lips connected with my skin. He planted a feather-light kiss just beyond the collar of my t-shirt, then another and another slightly higher, climbing upwards.

He paused, hovering over my ear. "How about this? Is this okay?"

When he pressed his soft lips just below my ear my whole body shuddered involuntarily with the delicious feeling. I felt his lips curve into a smile against my skin.

I could no longer stand it. I turned on to my back and there he was. I could just make out his features in the gloom only inches away.

"Van..." I started but my words were cut off as his lips crashed against mine, taking my breath away. I surrendered myself completely in that moment, and the world seemed to melt away. There was only the two of us, and nothing else mattered as our lips parted together, our tongues entwining.

As the kiss deepened, he moved against me until I could feel the full weight of his body pressing into me. His lips left mine and found my neck again.

"I've wanted to do this since the moment I very first laid eyes on you," he breathed into my ear between his kisses.

The urge to give in to him was overwhelming. The feel of his hips pressing into mine, the feel of his body responding as we clung together, it was everything I'd wanted, but a dim part of my mind was resisting. Thoughts of him leaving for tour the following day and Chris's threats intruded and then I couldn't shut that part of my mind down.

What was I doing? Did I really think that I could just walk away from Chris and live happily ever after with Van? Life wasn't that simple. This wasn't a fairytale. How would we feel the next day when the passion had cooled and there was an ocean separating us?

I pulled away slightly, but Van's lips were insistent. Would it be so bad just to let things happen? God it felt so good to want him, to feel how much he wanted me. I felt one of his hands moving down to the hem of my t-shirt which he began to tug upwards. My hand shot out to grab his arm, just as I felt his cool fingers connect with my skin.

His mouth left mine as he felt my resistance and I took my chance. "Van, stop..."

He raised himself up to look at me squarely in the eyes, his expression a mixture of concern and wariness. "Are you okay?"

I wished his body wasn't still pressed against me just so, the feel of his arousal making me want to abandon all rational thought.

"I... I... I'm not sure if I can do this..." I stammered nevertheless, watching a little frown crease his forehead.

"Don't you want this?" He sounded confused, unsure of himself. He lifted himself away from me, and immediately I missed the feeling of his body on mine.

I raised myself up on my elbows. "I do, I do... it's just..."

He didn't let me finish. He was already moving the duvet aside and scooting towards the edge of the bed. "It's him isn't it? Chris? Do you still love him even after all he's done?"