All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 25

Abby

Life is what you make it. That's what they say isn't it? Control your own destiny. Well, that's all well and good if your life is your own. But what if someone else controls it?

Things had irrevocably changed. I felt broken inside, like I was just going through the motions. I felt like I wanted to scream at times, anything to not feel this numbness, but I was so tired, so fearful. It was easier to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and block out my thoughts.

This time Chris didn't show remorse for what he'd done. He'd finally found a way to control me. Fear. It was certainly effective. I felt like I was sleep walking, living my own personal nightmare in waking hours.

* * * * *

Michelle had demanded that we meet up at the new tapas restaurant in town days later. All I wanted to do was spend the evening in my room shut away from the world, listening to sad songs, but Michelle was very insistent. Her actual words being, "If you don't get your arse down to the restaurant tonight I'll come round and drag you out myself."

Now here I was, sipping a glass of wine, waiting to see my friend. The last few days had been hard and I was tired. I'd barely slept. I felt like an actress, putting on a brave face, trying to act like I didn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Eve had been on my case but she'd recently started dating a new guy she'd met through a mutual friend so thankfully she'd been quite distracted. I'd messaged Van and politely asked if he'd stop messaging me. He'd replied straight away asking me what was wrong but I'd deleted that, along with all of his messages and his number too. I hadn't heard from him since. It pained me but it was for the best.

"Sorry I'm late!" Michelle came bustling into the restaurant, all wide smiles and wild, bouncing curls.

I stood and she pulled me into a hug, before slipping into the seat opposite me. Her smile faltered for a second as her eyes met mine, but then it was back and I might not have noticed if I hadn't been waiting for some kind of reaction.

I'd never been the best with make up but I'd tried my best to hide the dark circles under my eyes, I'd daubed on a little extra blusher to bring some warmth to my pallid cheeks. I'd considered putting on a pretty top too, but somehow it was just easier and more comforting to slip into the baggy sweatshirt and ripped jeans attire I'd been favouring recently. When I looked in the mirror I felt like a ghost was looking back at me.

"So... how are you? Seems like ages since I saw you. Well, properly anyway."

The smile I wore felt unnatural, like a prop. "I'm really good. I've just been so busy... you know how it is. Work's been crazy. Been seeing lots of Chris as usual..."

I grabbed the menu and started studying it, exclaiming how hungry I was, hoping to divert the attention away from me. It worked temporarily. We ordered a few dishes each, Michelle enthusing about how good the menu was, whilst I worried about how on earth I was going to eat whilst my stomach was tied up in knots, which was its permanent state at the moment.

In contrast to me, I couldn't help but notice the glow that Michelle had about her. We chatted about Bob for a while and I felt myself relaxing a little.

"I know it's only been a few months but I'm absolutely crazy about him. I can't believe how fast stuff's happening for the band. Their manager's just finalising the details of their American tour at the moment. I'm so proud of him and what's going on with the band, but a little part of me doesn't actually want them to get any bigger. God I feel shitty saying that. D'you know what I mean though?"

I could imagine. The busy schedule, the touring, the fans, the band taking precedence over everything. "Yeah I totally get it. But I don't think you have anything to worry about with Bob. I reckon you've got a keeper there."