All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 26

Abby

"You're going to a party for gods sake! Why are you looking so miserable?"

"I'm fine Eve," I replied, frowning at my reflection. "Anyway, how come you're not going? It's Michelle's birthday you know."

Eve stood behind me, also looking at herself in the hallway mirror, titivating her long blonde hair. "Got a hot date with Mike haven't I?"

"That's more important than a friend's birthday?" I was surprised. Eve was always the first to make a point of not putting boys before friends.

"Michelle doesn't mind, she doesn't want a fuss anyway, just a few mates round she said." Eve walked off in the direction of the kitchen, speaking as she went. "And I'm guessing Jenny won't be there either if that wanker Van is going to be there..."

What? My head snapped round at the comment, and I followed her into the kitchen.

"Actually the guys aren't going to the party. What makes you say that about Jenny anyway? What's happened?"

Eve had a bemused look on her face as she looked at my puzzled expression.

"Oh I take it you didn't hear? I would have thought Michelle would have filled you in. I think they must have hooked up at some party or something, but then he didn't want to know. Didn't return her calls, just blanked her." Eve had a smug look on her face, like she was pleased she'd been proven right.

I felt disappointment sink in my stomach like it was full of lead. I tried not to show it, but it must have been written all over my face.

"I told you what he was like Abby! Guys like him are all the same."

"So they actually... slept together?" I said, images of the two of them together running through my mind. I thought back to finding them together in Van's room. I shouldn't have been surprised really.

"Oh I don't know the details!" Eve flicked a hand flippantly. "You know what Jenny's like though! It was strange actually as she doesn't normally get hung up on guys that blow her off, but he really pissed her off for some reason."

"Maybe she really liked him..." I said, more to myself than Eve. It wasn't hard to see how anyone could fall for Van. I thought I could have just as easily. It was probably a good thing I found out this before that had a chance to happen.

But Eve seemed to disagree. "Good god no, she's moved on already. Been seeing some guy she met on Tinder last week. Rugby player apparently..."

Eve went on talking about Jenny's latest conquest and I trailed back into the hallway, looking at my reflection again, only half listening. I'd started to get that unwelcome anxious feeling again. The tightening in my chest, the quickened heartbeat. My palms felt damp with perspiration. Last week I'd had a full-blown anxiety attack when I'd been out shopping. It had came from nowhere and really shaken me up.

I wasn't sure if I could go through with this party. Michelle had said it was a small and very informal affair but the thought of walking in and facing any amount of people filled me with panic. Having to put on that fake smile, making out I was happy, all the small talk I'd have to make.

"You know what? You don't look so good." Eve was right next to me again and it made me jump. "Have you been listening to me at all?"

"I'm ok... think I just need a bit of fresh air." I started towards the front door.

"Honestly I don't know what's got into you these days. It's like you're wandering around in a world of your own..."

I shut the door behind me, taking a few steps down the path and coming to a stop at the pavement. My legs felt shaky and I concentrated on taking deep lungfuls of air. I was a mess. It seemed like anything could set me off. How much longer can you go on like this for?