All The Mixed Feelings (Van McCann)

Part 29

Van

When I wanted something I set my mind on it and didn't give up. I'd always been like that, determined, tenacious, stubborn. And now I wanted her. I wanted her so fucking bad. But she wasn't mine to have.

Having her so close but not being able to do anything about it was killing me. But I'd happily take any amount of this torture to spend time with her. I thought of the way she'd leaned in to me as we shared a joke, the way her eyes sparkled and how perfectly her small frame had fit in the crook of my arm like she was meant to fill that space.

If she was mine it would be like this all the time.

The moment we'd awkwardly sprung apart after my lips had been just inches from hers I'd known then. She felt at least a small part of what I was feeling. The way her eyes had lingered on my lips, the flush in her cheeks, the way she gave me an excuse to stay. We were both acting of course, putting on an elaborate show to fool ourselves we weren't doing anything wrong, but knowing deep down we should have just parted there and then but not being quite able to let go just yet.

"You don't have to go yet you know," she spoke quietly as we both got to our feet.

"I guess it's not actually that late," I said, relief flooding me. "I'd love to stay a bit longer... if you want me to."

"Yeah," she said quickly, then embarrassed by her obvious keenness she looked down. "Maybe we should go downstairs though, or Eve will be really mad!"

We made our way downstairs and ended up in the garden. The night was mild but Abby wrapped herself up in a fluffy blanket nevertheless. We sat on comfy seats on her patio and she lit the fire pit, and we sat sipping our freshly made drinks. Abby had a craving for snacks and I'd teased her about having the munchies. When she'd returned from her trip inside for supplies I was surprised to see her holding an old, battered-looking acoustic guitar.

"Ta da!" She held it towards me as she sat down. "You remember me telling you about my dad playing the guitar? Well this is his. I tried to have another go on it the other day, and guess what? I'm still useless!"

I grasped the guitar, placing it in my lap and immediately set about tuning it. "So you gonna take me up on having a lesson then?"

"No way!" She shook her head. "But I'd love you to play me something." 

She sat cross-legged, the blanket draped over her shoulders, with an expectant look on her face. The firelight danced in her eyes and gave her a golden glow.

"You written anything recently? Something for the new album perhaps?"

"Actually I'm working on one right now with the lads, might be a single I reckon. It's about..." I hesitated. "Well you'll probably guess, it's pretty obvious. No one's heard this yet by the way. You're the first."

She clapped her hands together with child-like excitement and I thought how cute she looked right then.

"Right, so when you're ridiculously famous this'll be my claim to fame," she grinned.

I started to strum, closing my eyes as I began to sing.

I pissed you off again
So that you'd leave me alone in Leeds again
I got my stuff and left
'Cause I got this friend see who put me up again

Oh but no, you still had to call
Oh but no, you still had to come
But we just always seem to fallout
When I'm most in need of it

When I opened my eyes Abby was watching me intently, lips slight parted, eyes firmly fixed on my fingers as they picked out the notes. Then her gaze wandered up and met mine. God her eyes were beautiful. She held my gaze for a while this time, which shook me, she would normally only allow herself a fleeting moment before she looked away, shyness getting the better of her. I wished I was singing something that would mean something to her, not a song about rowing with my ex.