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19. November 2018.

 In the past four days, something interesting has happened. On Friday he texted me first checking if I'm coming so when he saw that I wasn't he asked if I can swing by. I will be having a meeting later in the evening so I had time to spare. I replied to him that I am on my way. This morning I washed my hair so I just did a small fix up to be perfect. I put my make up on, a little bit of lipstick and a perfume of course. When I was about to leave I picked the boots with the platform. I felt beautiful and confident, I couldn't wait to get there. The moment I was getting down the stairs, oh well, he noticed me alright. "Wow, you dressed up for a night out." "Just a little." I smiled, I'm glad that he said something, I'm glad that he noticed me. "Oh, have you seen it? Inception?" If only every conversation would start like this, we wouldn't stop talking for days. I haven't seen it but we talked about it while he was finishing up something on the computer. We were talking and I remember that I was fired up about something, it must be about a movie, well I only get excited about a movie or him so it was a movie for sure. Was that our moment? I would think that it is but I am not completely sure but I want to say that it was. I love those moments that we have. It's special, it's beautiful, I just don't want them to stop, I hope they won't.

When I saw him today he looked different, I wasn't sure what was about him that it is so different and I didn't see it at first. Quickly I realized that Will shaved. For the first time since I'm with him since I'm training with him, he shaved his beard. I got used to his beard, he looks older and manly which I love. I like it on him. I'm not a big fan of beards, but on him, it suites him, it goes with him nicely. I like it. Now that he shaved it looks weird but still nice, he had a baby face but still, he looked manly even without his beard. He looks so cute, so adorable that I want to kiss that cute cheek of his. I wanted to compliment him about his looks, I wanted for him to know that I noticed that he shaved and that he still looks good but on the other hand he looks better with it. I'm not sure if I panicked or it was something else but I just told him that he looks better with it. When I got to the gym I saw on his face that he wasn't really in a mood, he was serious. You can see that something was bothering him so I didn't want to put extra stress on him. I did what I was told in silence until he was ready to talk. His face is different when he is sad, it's gray or blue, but in a minute or so when we started talking about movies his face went lit, so light that he changed my mood and his own at the same time. It was like he woke up from a terrible nightmare. I was amazed at that transformation. Right before he was about to leave the room I opened my mouth. "I watched Inception." He stood there right in front of me with both feet firm on the ground, he was ready to discuss the movie. I was amazed by it. I have watched it before but I have fallen asleep right in the middle of it so I missed the rest of the movie. For some reason, it was boring for me back then but now I wanted to see it until the end even if it is boring. We talked about it and that feeling was still amazing. I'll never get tired of it. I told him what I loved the most and mostly we were talking about the end. The end is mind-blowing so we were exchanging thoughts about it. It was brilliant. He has a very intriguing mind, I would love to explore it one day, to make experiments on his brain and by experiments, I mean talking about different kinds of topics. I want to see how his mind works. I saw it just a little bit when it comes to his profession but I want to see more. I want to see how it works on social topics. I want to see what he thinks, to have a discussion about all the important topics.

So today I was nervous. I did something that may or may not be stupid. Let's say for a second that it is not. I found out that there will be a concert by our favorite singer soon so I was thinking that we should go together but I haven't asked Will yet. The stupid thing was that I should have asked him in advance because of the forthcoming awkward situation. Before the awkward situation, while finishing training I texted him to meet upstairs because I have something for him, I did that because we weren't alone and I wanted to see his reaction. My mind went crazy and I was super scared of his reaction but then again I knew exactly how would he react.

As I returned things on the counter I heard him calling out to me. I turned and started walking towards him with the tickets in my hand. I saw that he was looking at my hands and as I got closer to him I was more and more nervous. I stood right in front of him and I picked the tickets up to show him. As he was looking at them and saw what was it about he opened his mouth and I heard the expected rejection. "Oh, I really can't go. Maybe you should go with a friend..." I was determined to give him one of them, he took it and I told him that I got it for him but unfortunately he gave it back. When I was about to step back he looked at me with those sad puppy dog eyes. "I'm sorry." Sorry is not helping but I was ok, I thought I was. I was disappointed but still, I expected this. When I looked at those sad blue eyes I saw that he regretted to even say that to me but it was fine. I'm glad that I did this, it showed that I have guts, that I am courageous, that I am willing to take charge even though it won't end as I wanted. I was a bit crushed and teary while I walked to the bus station. I was glad that I did that but I was so sad. I have no regrets. I can only thank him for this. He's the one that helped me see who I am and what am I capable of. He is the one who helped me find myself. He is the one who believed in me. I am confident now, I see how much I lost weight, how I look hot, how I look amazing. Maybe what I need is to be patient and hopeful and maybe one day he will see what's right in front of him. Maybe one day he will see what he has been missing.