Take a look inside

12. April 2019.

 There's so much fear inside me that I just want to cry. Fear is there mostly because of the one thing, love. I'm scared. I'm scared to love or to be loved because I don't know what's that like. I'm not talking about friends or family I'm talking about loving someone romantically. I don't know why is that but I am scared to be loved. What if I don't love him back or it's the other way around? What if I hurt him unintentionally or he hurts me? I'm afraid because I'm not sure if... if that's even possible for me. Am I lovable? Fear is always there but it doesn't always appear, it's deep down until something happens, something triggers it to rise to the surface. Fear is strong but it can't overpower hope and love. Yes, it is strong but I have battled fear, sadness, and a lot of other things, and I still manage to be hopeful and fight those nasty things that are around us. I know that we need to fight it but I get it, sometimes we just can't fight it anymore, sometimes we are tired of fighting and we just want to let it go, let it prevail. It's overwhelming I know. Letting it go means to recharge and then we can fight it fully charged, being hopeful, trying to shine, trying to live fully as much as we can.

I want answers but I am afraid of them, I want to know everything but I'm scared to ask. I am afraid of failure, I hate not knowing and I am scared that when I ask him how he feels about me that I will get disappointed. I already know that I will get disappointed but I hate this, I hate all of this. Why does love have to be like this? Painful? Hard? This is not for everyone, love is not for everyone.

In May I am going on a trip so that means that I'll be having a big break and I wasn't sure if we were continuing training but he said that we'll see each other in June. He's thinking ahead, I like that, I didn't expect that from him.

I finished fifteen minutes of warm-up but he still didn't show up, I started doing shoulder exercises when he arrived. "Hey, I thought you would be on the bike?" "Well, I did that and you're late." "I can't have my coffee in peace." He said it jokingly but then I thought to myself 'Really?' I get it, he needs alone time too. I told him that shoulder still hurts so after he changed he tested it in many ways. He grabbed a piece of paper that he brought, leaned it on the wall and started to draw a shoulder to show me what we need to do to fix it because we don't have a laser here but then he said something that took me by surprise and I haven't had a chance to react. "You are smart, you understand this, right?" Oh, wow, thank you, now I feel bad that I haven't thanked him. Sometimes he can surprise me, a good surprise of course, where my brain freezes and I literally can't react the way I need to, can't respond. I had a window of opportunity to compliment him but then my brain froze, I couldn't think of anything to say. He was asking me if he should work out legs with me, he was asking me for opinion and the only thing I could say was "Well, you should, I mean, look at your legs." I was starring them, not in a creepy way, of course, I just couldn't say anything else. I was supposed to say how he looks good but he needs to build up those spaghetti legs.

While I was on treadmill three girls came, one that I know, one new and that little girl that I adore. I always get jealous when he's around hot girls but also girls in general but there was no reason to be jealous they're even younger than me so there is really no reason. When I was done with the training I was about to say bye to him. I got closer to them and I said hi to the most adorable little girl. "Did you say hi to her?" He asked her about me, he's so unbelievably cute.