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20. July 2019.

 I kind of need him today but I understand that he has work to do and yet I just wanted five minutes.

I lay down on the side and he was testing shoulder pain, he was experimenting. While doing that he said how I can tell him that dream of mine that I have mentioned it so we can talk about it now. I got nervous and I didn't know what to tell him. "Oh, it's nothing, it's fine." I was dodging talking about it but he was persistent. "You don't have to be afraid of your dreams." I didn't want to start an argument with him so I didn't react to what he said.

I know that I am boring you with this stuff but I want for us to go out, it's just... I just need for him to be next to me, he doesn't even have to speak, just to be with me, maybe hold my hand and that's it. After training, I wanted to ask him for just five minutes of his time but I was such a wuss, I couldn't just go to him and ask him that, I don't know why am I so scared, why am I not brave, not courageous. I'm always scared of something. What the hell is wrong with me? That's a million-dollar question that no one has the answer to. So, I left the gym but I texted him, checking when he is finishing work. "Now I'm done but I have someone in the city." "I'm waiting for you outside, I need you for just five minutes." I texted him. I got all nervous and my heart started racing fast that I wasn't sure what the hell is going on. It's Will, I'm seeing Will every day, why would I be nervous, there's no reason to be but for some reason, I was so nervous. I was trying to calm myself down, we're just going to talk, nothing else. He got out and he was standing so close to me. We were going to the bus stop when he was the first one to say something. "So, what's up?" "Oh, it's nothing I just wanted to ask you what are you doing tomorrow?" "I have a meeting and then I have some stuff in the city. Why you ask?" "I wanted to see if you wanted to go out for coffee?" Will said how Sunday is his day off, a personal day so, it's not like he didn't want to but he couldn't. I completely understand. "Is something up?" "Oh, no, it's nothing urgent." "We can go on Thursday or Friday after training." Yea, I nodded, I wanted that, I needed that, I wanted that to be like a regular thing, like once a week but I don't want to be pushy or annoying. Maybe I am annoying a little bit and I feel like I should apologize next time. He was supposed to go on a trip on Saturday so he was saying how he might not be going. "So, what's up with you?" He wanted to know if there's anything new with me, any job positions, anything new. "Nothing much." "What about that dream?" Damn it he's so persistent, I don't know what to tell him, he keeps asking me about it, what now? "I don't know, it's nothing." "Every dream is important, they all have the importance of why we have them." I didn't say anything, I was silent. We talked a bit more and then he was grabbing a cab because he was in a hurry and the bus is nowhere to be found. I helped him catch a cab but then he wanted me to go with him, unfortunately, I didn't have the cash with me so I couldn't. It was one of the best moments. I love those five minutes and it was worth every second with him. I could be with him all day, every day. I don't know, it has to be something with his vibe, his positivity, his attitude.

There is this thing that I am confused about, that I don't understand. When I ask him out it's like 'yeah, sure' but... there's something more, I don't get it, there is something more that I don't know about. I don't understand, is he doing this because of me, because he knows that I need him? Is it like an obligation, another thing to cross over from his list? I don't know how to feel about this. I don't know if he's doing this because he wants to go out with me, to be there for me or is it like a package deal that comes with training. I don't see him going out with anyone else, not that I see or that I know. What am I supposed to think now? Does he want to or am I just a task that he has to check out every other day and just move on? If he doesn't care about me he wouldn't be interested in my life, right? Can't he see that I like him? But then sometimes I feel like he doesn't care about me, I see that he talks with other girls like this. I don't know if he truly cares about me. Everything that he has told me about himself, I don't know how to interpret that now, what does it mean, what do I mean to him?

There's something else, my tattoo. The story behind it is hard to process. It's a little bit dark, sad but the ending is great. He needs to know and I want to tell him but I am scared of how would he take it, how... how he would see me differently. I don't want him to see me any different, it's still me. This secret only knows a couple of them, it's not something that you can share with anyone. I feel that something like this should only know the people who are most important to me, I feel like they should know, that's why I think he should know but I am super scared, I'm terrified. The important thing is that it's in the past, it's gone. It's hard to talk about because it scares me, it scares me and what if I scare him away? But I need to tell him and he needs to know. What if I start to cry? I don't want him to see me weak and vulnerable. If I start crying would he hug me? Would he understand how much I care about him when I tell him this and how much he means to me?