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2. March 2019.

 This has been one of the best days ever, I am so happy, I have the biggest smile on my face that it creeps me out when I look myself in the mirror. Seeing myself this happy... that never happened. Wait, it happened a long time ago when I was in Los Angeles and my uncle surprised me with a visit of the famous manor from my favorite TV show Charmed, I was so happy that I didn't know what hit me.

I got super early this morning to get ready. I got there and he still hasn't arrived but I started on my own. After fifteen minutes of bike, I was doing squats and when I was finished I heard him calling my name and as I heard him I came to him like a moth to a flame. "Did you do the bike?" "Yea, fifteen minutes." He told me to do legs and so we went back, I was sitting on one of the gears and Will sat on the other next to me and we were talking. You know when you have that feeling where you know that someone for a very long time that you can tell them anything, anything that is bothering you, anything that is on your chest at the moment? That's how I feel when I'm with him, I can tell him anything, actually not everything but most of the things. I guess I am still scared to tell him that I like him. But that's on me, I'm just not ... I'm too scared of his rejection because, well... you know and that's why it is so hard for me. "Oh, I was watching the movie last night and then I fell asleep." "Which one?" "Glass but the quality was bad" I knew that the quality was bad but then I thought to myself 'You should've watched the movie with me at the movies' but oh hey, that's ok. In a minute or so he was telling me how he has a game somewhere in the city so he asked me where do I live, which I'm not sure what does that has to do with anything. "Close by" and he was asking me how am I going home, he was checking what transport should he go with. We were talking about this bus that is passing through and we were arguing where is it going. That was the cutest argue ever. Then he was telling me about his book, how he hired a lector but that person is not doing it well because they are changing the meaning of what he wanted to say. Somehow he went to a topic about his parents but I won't be telling anything, it's personal. He just... I felt like he knows that he can trust me with this kind of stuff, he trusts me enough to tell me so much and I am glad that he did. I feel like we bonded but I don't believe it because it is so surreal. After all, this has never happened to me before so I don't know how to respond to that kind of thing. Will told me so much about his life, what he was like when he was a kid when he was a teenager, I am so happy that he can trust me that much, I'm happy that he found that in me, that he can tell me anything and that he knows that I won't tell anyone because that's not my secret to tell and of course because it is personal and I am just not that kind of a person to go and spread around private stuff that was shared with me. I just don't do that because that is wrong and also I know that he is trustworthy too. I know and I trust him that he won't tell anyone about things that I am telling him. He listens to me and keeps those things to himself and I appreciate that. I love that about him. Sometimes when I think about him and when I think about what he has been through, my heart gets so warm and then it hurts me because it hurts him and all I want to do is hug him. I want to be there for him, I want to be his support, someone who believes in him and who knows what he's capable of. I want to be the one to push him to do bigger things, I want to be the one to make him a better version of himself, I want to help him as much as he helped me. Damn it now I have tears in my eyes, I can't help it. He is so kind to me, he has been so good to me, I love having this and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Later he was showing me exercises for my arm i.e. shoulder and I was skeptical. "I don't know about this, are you sure?" "You have to start doing something with it, come on." He was helping me at first and then I was doing it on my own. When I was doing another thing with pilates ball it hurt me so he was examining me and then we went for therapy. "Hey, you want something to drink?" "Yea, sure." I said yes thinking he already has something to drink. "What do you want?" "What do you have?" "A colleague is going to the store" "Oh, then nothing." I didn't want him to spend the money on me so I gently turn it down. "Oh, c'mon, what do you drink, cola?" "Yea, sure." I didn't know what to say, he was persistent. When I was hooked on therapy he brought me a soda. "Enjoy and don't spill it." I did enjoy. I had a remote in one hand that I was channeling music, my phone in another and a soda between my legs so I don't spill it. After therapy, he came to take off the gauze and as he was doing it he was close to me but there wasn't tension and it was nice. "This is not how it's supposed to go." He said it while he was unwrapping me. "I know, only you can make it happen like this." I said that with a smile on my face, I could say that to him without feeling like I was judging him or something, he knew what I meant. We are there in our relationship where we can make jokes about one another, it feels natural. I have never felt like this with anyone, we were smiling because of what I said. I mean anyone could fall for him just by looking at his smile and I wouldn't be surprised.

Right before I was supposed to go Will asked me about that new guy who was doing me last time. I didn't know what to tell him, I didn't want to trash him so I just said that he was ok. "You can switch to him if you would like to but I would like my clients to stay with me." "Oh no..." I know that he was giving me an option to go to another therapist but I knew exactly where I wanted to be, where I was supposed to be. I can't remember exactly what I said but I do know that I was nervous and I was mumbling. My brain didn't know how to respond to it or to sound clever. I told him that I am definitely staying with him and that I am not going anywhere.