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14. June 2019.

 I know that we are at some level of friendship but I can't help but wonder how would I grab him and pull him closer to kiss him slowly, softly with tenderness, I can't help wondering how good the kiss would be. I'm at least controlling the urge to grab him and pull him close to me but I'm allowed to fantasize about the kiss, I'm still human.

Because I am a human being and feeling all those things I am putting a warning ahead, I want to say something but it's not PG-13 but it's going towards it. You know how I am dirty-minded, well you saw it before but I never said anything inappropriate so don't be surprised now, that's why I am putting a warning. Here it goes. As he was laying on the side he was talking and I was listening to him, I was looking at him, as he was laying in that position I was able to see everything. I wished, I wanted for him to get up and jump on me to kiss me passionately, but that's not all. Right before I was thinking about that I was thinking of how... how great sex would be. Looking at every body part of his, bit by bit... I already had sex with him in my mind. I told you I'm dirty-minded. It's different when I am thinking about him when I am alone but when I fantasize about it while he's next to me, oh that is so not good, I have to control it.

After training, for some reason, I was super fast to change so I left the gym with that woman and we found William waiting on us outside. I didn't know that we were going by car, I didn't want to but the thing is that he said how it is super hot in the car so he wanted to walk to the bus stop and he surprised me, in a good way of course. He wanted us to talk, I was so glad, happy. We said buy to her and we left. "So, how's life?" "It depends." At the moment I didn't know what he was doing but I do know now and now I am thinking to myself 'How stupid can you be?'. He wanted me to open up, he gave me an open window to do so and I just shut it. Now I see what I did. I am that person who won't open up even though I want to. Why I can't do it? Why is it so hard for me? I did open up but just a little bit, I told him about my problems when I was a kid and my traumas but the thing that I didn't like was that he was trying to analyze why I was like that when I was a kid, I don't like when some people do that. I'm not telling you this so you could analyze me, I am telling you because I trust you and I am opening up to you and I want you to listen to me and not to analyze my life. He brought up a text that I have texted him once and I was speechless that he remembers it at all. I remember saying that I love hanging out with him and how I love his company but I feel bad because I don't remember the rest of what he said. Then he was talking about his childhood and like always I felt hurt because he was hurt, he was telling me about it and by doing that I felt happy to be that person that he confides to. There was a moment when I showed him on my phone a photo of me when I was in the kinder garden dressed up as a chimney sweeper. He looked at it, he smiled and that was a trigger for his memories of a bad childhood. I hate it when I do that. As we were walking he said: "I want to take you out for coffee to talk but I can't do it now but soon." "That's alright." Wow, I'm still in awe that someone, someone like him actually wants to talk with me. I'm loving it but still having a hard time accepting it. Will has a broken soul like me, he needs help as much as I need. While we were crossing the road I told him about that chocolate tart that I love that is near me and then I said: "I can treat you one day, you gotta try it." I surprised myself. "Yes, of course." He wanted, I wanted, I am loving this. I am never this loose with someone, especially with someone that I like. I always choke or I get nervous but with him, everything is going smoothly and loose. We got to the bus stop and we kept talking. "Have you watched that TV show I told you about?" "I was just about to tell you, I have but only the first episode, it's an hour and a half long." We were talking about the show, I was being that person who listens more because I love his voice. As I was in my flip flops he noticed my tattoo, I showed him fully and he asked me what it meant, oh I could talk to him all day.