Take a look inside

20. and 23. September 2019.

 Looking at things differently, from a different point of view, it can show you a lot of things, you can learn from it a lot. We never think to look at things in a different way, to look at things from someone else's point of view. I never thought to put myself in Will's shoes, to see the world through his eyes, it never occurred to me until now. I learned so much and I understand it better. As someone who knows him very well, I would know how to deal with him and his crisis. I know what he likes and what he needs and so I would provide that, I would like to help, I would want to be a part of it, I would want to help deal with whatever it is and whatever it takes.

Being a substitute made me feel confident, it made me feel like I can do this, and also I was glad that I was doing something where people actually listen to me, and when I say people I meant that woman. It's good for me that I started this training thing with just one person because, well, first of all, I am not a people person, second I don't like the attention and third my verbal skills are not good, my brain freezes when I need to use big words and then I don't remember the name of that thing that I need to use or something that I need to do. It happened to me once or twice with Will, it's just awkward. But being a substitute, it's awesome, I'm glad that he put me in charge.

By being a substitute for a day, well I will be for every Monday but for today I felt like him. I was walking in Will's shoes and I learned so much. But then I started to think about all those things that I did, all those things that I gave to him and those moments that we had, I started to think from his point of view, I reversed the roles and I played the movies in my head. Oh, boy, I was really... I would... I see that he really likes me, I like him too but I'm just not sure. I started to think like him and it hit me. It's like I was in his head, it was painful to watch but I understood everything that he did, everything that he said or did. Everything is perfectly clear now and I feel sorry, maybe I was too much but he handled me very well. I also learned that I kept freezing in front of him, well most of the time and with it, I show him that I am nervous around him and that makes me vulnerable and not confident, and by my evaluation, it's his turn off. This is all good but I can't believe that I was so selfish, it was all about me, what I want and what I need... I never thought of what he needs, I never had to put myself in his shoes which is so wrong. What is that that he needs? His career is his priority, he wants to make progress, this is not his job it's his profession which he loves and he grows as a person, as a therapist and also as a philosopher. That's why I'm attracted to him, he has grown as a person and I love that person. Oh, one more thing. It's not that he's not interested, maybe he's not interested right now and I am willing to wait just to try with him. Career is number one on his list and I get that but on my list, Will is a priority because I care too much about him and I don't know if I can let go of him that easy, so yes, I am still in love with him and I am waiting, whatever it takes. I am not giving up, I'm not a quitter and I'll never be one.