Take a look inside

19. August 2019.

 Dot, dot, dot, what can I say after that.

I feel like I am burnt out like I am drained and dehydrated. Yesterday I looked like hell, my head hurt, my eyes were burning, I felt dead inside. I don't know if I should say why I am broken... it just...

Let me try to explain, bare with me. Nothing, there is not a good thing in my life. Nothing is good, everything is just... I don't know. Let's try this. What do I have in life, besides family, I don't count that because I know I have that and I am grateful for it? Besides that I have nothing. What have I accomplished? Nothing. Who am I? No one, I'm a zero. From a career, I don't have a c let alone the rest. Friends I barely have, I have no one that I can count on, someone that is willing to drop what they're doing to help me, to be there for me, I don't have that, I never did. I don't have a boyfriend, there is no one that wants this broken soul for a girlfriend. Every single person that I have met would tell me how I am a great friend. I'm just... I know that I am a great friend but I guess I can only be that. So, to sum up, I have no job, no friends, no boyfriend and, no life. What do I have?

I started counting, September is close, New Year's is soon and so is my 29th birthday. Twenty-nine, that's what scared me, that's what terrified me and I didn't even try to fight those tears, it's inevitable.

I was working out but then he came up to me and I felt like he knew. "How are you?" I didn't say anything, but I gave him this look that said everything and that, that's the thing I love about us. William saw my emotions on my face, he got next to me, he just knew something is wrong. "What's wrong?" I didn't know what to tell him. I didn't know if I could tell him, well I could but I'm not sure if I am supposed to tell him. "I feel broken but it's nothing." "Why, problems at home?" "No, with me." I just... I wanted to tell him so badly but I just couldn't. "What is it?" He wanted to know. Why? Why does he care or he doesn't but he asked me out of courtesy? He looked like he wanted to know but I wasn't sure, he gave up too fast. I know I said 'it's nothing' twice but then if you really want to know you keep pushing, you want to be there for them and you push it, you need to let them know you are there for them and you want to listen to them. But if I want to tell him, what am I supposed to tell him? 'Oh, hey, I'm a failure, I haven't accomplished anything, I have nothing and I'm broken inside, so you want to go for a coffee these days?' I want to talk to him, I have to open up if I want him in my life, I just don't want to get scattered in front of him, I don't want him to see me like that, vulnerable and broken. What am I supposed to do if I have nothing? What are we all living for, what is our purpose? Always keep fighting. I look at my tattoo and I'm thinking what for? I keep going to the gym and I am working out. Maybe it's this! This is something that I need and I didn't know that until now. It's my thing. This is a place where I don't have any problems, where I think about nothing. This is my place where I can release my anger, my problems, and everything else. I release the frustration and I'm getting fit.