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21. August 2019.

 I feel like the whole world is crashing down. In my chest, I feel heavy but I also feel like crying. I was fine this morning, I'm not sure what happened.

Lately, I feel like I can't talk to him, like I'm shutting down, like I don't have that freedom to tell him, to ask him anything. Something happened, something changed but I don't know what. I couldn't talk to him today I felt frozen, I felt locked like I couldn't open my mouth like I can't open up. While on the bus I felt like there was that brick wall between us, I couldn't open up, I couldn't even scratch the wall, I just sat there next to him in silence. Something is up but I'm not sure what is it. We were sitting next to each other, he was so close and yet far away. I wanted to ask him something, I would want to do something, I wanted to do anything but I just... it was weird, I felt so useless and terrible. I just asked him if we are continuing next month but he wasn't sure, it wasn't a sure thing and I just didn't know how to feel about it.

"What was that thing you wanted to ask me?" He asked me while we were waiting for the bus but I have no idea what he was talking about but then I thought to myself 'what if this is the opportunity to open up because I couldn't do it the other day, maybe he was giving me another chance but I just couldn't tell him.'. I want to open up to him, I want to tell him everything but I feel like this is not the right time or the place to talk about it, I want to go someplace with him so we can talk, so we can be alone, together. 'He's a gorgeous man.' I keep telling myself and I can't believe that this gorgeous man knows me and is spending time with me. Damn, I'm so weak, I have a soft spot for him, for my sister too but for him also. I don't like when someone is picking on him or anything, I don't like when someone in my presence is talking shit about him. I don't let anyone say anything bad about him, I always stand up for him, don't do that, not in front of me. I'm thinking now how it would be nice to say that he's mine, something like 'that's my guy', I wish he would be.