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Epilogue

14. November 2019.

 It depends on the time, depends on the moments that we have in life, how we feel about ourselves. Me? I had a good time, I was happy for the first time in a long time but every time I think to myself 'I'm happy' my mind goes to William. It feels like my mind is trying to tell me something, it's trying to ask me if I am truly happy with someone else, it's saying 'Who are you kidding?'. I have a feeling that I am not letting myself love someone else, I feel like I'm holding back to love anyone else but him. So what if I fall for someone else, that's not a crime but I want Will and I hate this feeling. This feeling I will have for the rest of my life and all the time I will be thinking about him and how I failed to be happy with the only guy I want. I will be always sad and miserable when I think of him because of that reason because I'm not with Will. I'm crying now, isn't that right on the spot?

Yesterday I was sad... I noticed that he's colder with me, I don't know why but when we talk alone everything is good. I understand that he's protecting me and my privacy and I appreciate that but I need him. That's the thing, I need him, I miss him so badly, I miss his company, I miss our talks, warmth, and peace that I have when I'm in his presence, I miss the sense of security and serenity when I'm with him. I miss Will and it's killing me.

These days I wasn't happy, I just thought I was. There is someone else that I like but he's far away from me and we only see each other on the camera but that's not the same when you have someone next to you. I feel broken inside and no one really knows that. I have no one to talk to, not really but I'm trying to keep it all together. I feel broken and hopeless, well I stopped being hopeful for a while back but I'm not hoping anymore, if I find someone else that's fine and if a truck hits me one day that's fine too. I'm giving up on everything but oh well I did that a long time ago. Here's to a better next year. *cheers

16. February 2020.

 Being honest is a natural thing for me but the real question is whether it's worth it. Is it worth being honest with the people you care about? I don't know, I'm not sure. I mean you'll get some constructive criticism but also it's good to say how you really feel, to get out of your chest. They may not agree with you but at least you said it out loud.

Being honest is not a popular thing, it's not that common but it is a big deal(sorry I didn't mean to make a Friends reference again). I'm almost always honest but when it comes to emotions I have a tendency to hide them with pretty much everyone around me. It's hard to open to your parents or sibling because you don't know if they will judge you or support you and it's even harder to open to your friends, that's why I don't do that. For the first time I opened up to a friend of mine, Will was the one who opened up first so I tried to do the same. It was hard for me, it was like breaking a wall that I had put up but it's still up, I haven't been open as I want with him. There's so much that I want to tell him but I'm not sure if that's alright or if it's appropriate.

Let's say that I have given up but still hopeful, that I still have those feeling for Will but I haven't told him yet. Unfortunately for me, he has a girlfriend now. I accepted my fate which is still hurting and I have moved on. Being at that place, moving on from Will, still training with him, I have met someone here, in the city. We clicked immediately and we exchanged phone numbers but unfortunately, he's not from here, he lives in Bosnia. The very first day and also the next two days we were learning a lot about each other and then he started to make moves on me even though he said that I was the one making moves on him. His name is August, that reminded me of this August, a pioneer of cinematography. August is kind, sweet and we understand each other perfectly. We talk about everything, literally everything. It's fresh, it's new and I love it. Honestly, he's not my type but I don't care about that because we clicked, because we found each other and we support each other and that's what I've been missing. I know this is a long-distance relationship and I personally don't believe that these can actually happen but I want to give it a try. I know it's not a relationship that I wanted but for now, I am happy and that's all that I need.