Take a look inside

11. January 2019.

 I had... death in my family. It's so hard to say that. My maternal grandma passed away and it's been hard for me, for all of us. I haven't cried yet because I don't have that feeling that she's gone, she's still here I can feel her but it's just hard to think that she's gone. She was the sweetest grandma ever, she was never a burden, she always knew what my sister and I loved to eat and she would make that for us. We have so many good memories of her and our grandpa. I keep telling my mom and my sister to look on the bright side, they are all together now up there, looking down on us, looking out for us from above. Mom and I were planning a trip to go to the countryside for the funeral and the only good thing that is coming out of this is that the whole family is going to be there. I wish that we had better circumstances to get together.

Will and I finally had some alone time. He asked me how's my job hunting going, not well of course so the conversation was casual. We were talking, it's relaxing with him and it is a replacement for boxing, it's not tiresome, it's cooling and that's why it is so relaxing, feeling good. I wish we can do this more frequently, sometimes I need that, to talk or not. I enjoy with him even if we are not talking, what matters is that we're together.

I was angry today about a lot of stuff, Will was one of the problems. With anger on topic, I asked him if I can do boxing, I need it. He went to get me those purple gloves and helped me to put them on. He showed me the exercises but when he's not around I would hit it how I want to, I was angry at the world and I needed just to release all of that. I was partially mad with my grandma because she left us because she left me. I was angry at the world because of so many things, the many things that I think for myself won't happen and I just can't handle that because I need it, because I live for those moments. Sometimes I think that I won't ever get married and that makes me sad and angry and I want that, maybe I will but I don't know that for sure. I don't think that I will find a guy who would want me as much as I would want him, I'm scared, I'm angry because nothing is happening and I need something good for me, I need someone good for me. You can't know for sure what will happen to you in the future, you can do that natal map for yourself and even if it says everything that you want to hear that doesn't mean it's going to happen, no one can know our future. My natal map said so many good things that I don't believe in it anymore, it's stupid, you can't rely on some piece of paper. There are planets and some numbers and signs but that's just math, that's just something to confuse people. We are so gullible especially me. I still believe that I will get married and have a kid but I don't know that only hope from me can help me, I can still hope for that but it still not sure if that will happen. It's something that you make it your self. No one can find you a boyfriend, he won't just come and knock on your door, you can only hope that you will accidentally meet him or a friend would introduce you to him. That's why I always say 'Everything happens for a reason'. I met Will and I think that happened for a reason. That's why I thought that he's my ticket to happiness, to my life that I have ever wanted. I'm just... tired of waiting.

I felt better with boxing, I named the bag after him so that has something to do with feeling a little bit better. That woman said to me to name the bag after him, it's like she read my mind but I played dumb, I didn't want to confirm it to him. We were all laughing but I was laughing because it was true.