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17. July 2019.

 I was thinking twice before I decided to go training today. I wasn't supposed to but oh well, here I am. Because I missed training the other day he was teasing me, he was joking how I am planning to leave him, to change a trainer. "Oh, yea, I am." I said sarcastically. It was cute, it was like 'I see your five and raise you ten' kind of thing. He was wearing those shorts that I find sexy and alluring. Later on, he came to me and started talking about something but I got all scared in a way 'what did I do now' like I was in trouble or something. I wasn't sure where this was going so when he said how he wants to analyze my dream I felt relief, I thought it was something serious because he has this face, so clearly I thought I was in trouble. I was actually surprised that he remembered what I was talking about my dream and now I wasn't so sure if I want to or if I should tell him now because it's a bit delicate and it involves him of course. I wanted to tell him but I had my doubt. I wanted to ask him in general what does it mean when you dream about a certain someone for a really long time. I have been dreaming about him since New Year's eve until now and I wish to know what that means because if you dream a guy for a month then it has to mean something otherwise it's just ... I don't know, it definitely is not a coincidence, there must be a meaning to this. But, I think I know what is the reason why I have stopped dreaming about him. I'll get back to it. So, I was thinking to tell him that he is that person that I have been dreaming about but I can't do that and I don't know what to say, it's crazy. I've been dreaming about us being a couple and I can't tell him that, of course not, so I don't know what to tell him. What can I tell him? Let me go one step back. Well, my theory of why I stopped dreaming him is because I think that I got over him. Ok, not completely but I finally realized that he would never look at me like I want to and I accepted that and I am moving on with this friendship thing if this lasts at all. But, let's try this. Remember when I said how I need to shut my emotions? I did that but for only a day, not sure why for just a day but I realized that he's just not into me so I wanted to make a distance, to give him space. That's the thing. That's the reason I stopped dreaming about him. I stopped texting him, I stopped obsessing over him and I felt so light like I could fly. I am texting him only when it's about training. He is still a big part of my life, you can't deny that and also I have no idea how I made to think about him less, I still do think about him but less and less intense. I don't know when did this happen but it did, but then I feel like something is missing, like some part of me is gone, and I want it back. Also, I feel like this is how it should be, how it is supposed to be. It feels easier, like going with a flow. This whole situation with Will is different, I don't know, I'm feeling like it's this... I can't find the word for it. I feel different about him, my feelings towards him are the same but right now I am giving him space because I am so done running to him, I am tired of doing something about this, about us. I just don't want to be the only one who cares, who wants this and I am so done. The last time I asked him out for coffee was twelve days ago and still nothing. He's busy and he just doesn't know where his ass is or his head is so he just doesn't know when we will go out if we ever do. I just stop making an effort. If you ask me I want to go out with him at least once a week but that's not really a possibility. I need him more than he thinks but I am letting him go because I just can't do this anymore.

He got close to me just to tell me what's my next gear, he was that close to me where I could just pull him for a kiss. I have no idea how I am restraining myself from him. After training he wanted to crack my back, I let him just a little but he was making me laugh in two ways. First, he got to that spot around my shoulder blade, and second he was being funny so I had no choice but to laugh. As I was laying like that on my stomach he told me to come on Saturday earlier so he could try and fix my shoulder, he likes experimenting on me. I wish he would do more experiments on me. He also said how we are missing that massage table, I know I am missing it, I miss everything about him. When I left the gym he was talking to someone outside so I just nodded and headed that way where we always go and I was just wishing for him to come after me. I miss our talks.