Take a look inside

28. December 2018.

 I thought this was our last day together, I didn't know what's going to happen next or even if we are continuing training, I have no clue what's next. I know that he said to relax and that he'll tell me everything when the time comes but no matter what I am scared because of not knowing. Not knowing what's going to happen or even if we would stay in touch, I mean why wouldn't we, we're friends, right? Oh, wow, I got super scared. I was so scared that I cried for so long. I was alone at home and all I did was talk, talking about how I am scared of losing him, talked about how scared I am even if I do lose him but I didn't want that because he's everything that I got. He's the best thing that I have right now. He's a friend, someone that I confide to, someone that I can talk to freely, someone that I can say anything to and not being judged, someone that I trust completely. Fear of losing, that is always here. Sometimes I feel terrified because I don't want to lose that one good thing in my life. Fear is strong but tears are fast so no matter how much I fight them they'll just come down on my cheeks even faster.

Sometimes I get jealous even if there's no reason to be, I'm just that kind of a girl. I get jealous even when he talks to my sister, I know that he's not making a move on her, he's just being polite and because he knows that she's my everything because of how much I talk about her. He's talkative and sociable unlike me, I want to be like that too but I'm just shy to start and scared of the outcomes. I'm not good with people, I don't have people skills, not in person that's why I am more open in a text when I write, I couldn't say all of this to anyone in person. I love the way he is with people, I wish I can do that but also I'm glad that I don't do that like I said I'm not sociable.

I was excited to give him a present, well it's not much of a present but it's something, it's those coconut pellets that I put aside for him. I didn't have anything to put them in so I just left them in a small plastic bag and tied it with red tape. It was a secret, no one could know that I got him something and also I know that my sister would make fun of me, I hate when she does that so I have to do everything in secret. When we got to the gym I introduced her to him. Will was happy to meet this sister of mine that I keep talking about. Later when she was changing I took the chance to give him the cookies and wish him happy holidays. As I got closer to him I have widened my arms for a hug and gave him the cookies. "Happy holidays!" He was glad to see the cookies but I think that he was more glad that they were from me so he hugged me to thank me and as he did that I accidentally stepped on his toes but he didn't mind. It was beautiful. I didn't react as I wanted but anyway it was amazing. He kindly offered me cocoa filled rolls but I kindly said no but he was insisting so he covered his eyes to be funny and then I took one. It was a little bit crowded with four of us and even so I didn't like it, I was getting along with them because I knew it's just a one-time thing. After the training, I told him to keep in touch and he was certain that we will, so I hope that he is a man of his word. I learned something about him today, he admitted that he is a romantic and that he wishes to live in Italy and then I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I bet that if we would do a couple's test it would be a perfect match.