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5. July 2019.

 I thought he can read facial expressions, but maybe this time it's good that he didn't. I feel broken, I feel terrible and I need him, I need him to hold me and to tell me that everything is going to be fine.

What else is there to say? I said everything that I needed to say and every word from now on is just a repetitive pattern. There is nothing new because there is nothing new with us and I just need this to happen. Maybe I'll get a comment that I am pathetic but no, I am not and if so I don't care. You could say anything you wanted and I couldn't care less. This is my life and I will live it the way I want to and if you don't like it then, I don't know what to tell you. I'm sick of... well, everything. Like love is great and amazing and easy like in the movies, well it's a scam. Who told you it's easy? Who told you that you can get a boyfriend easily, there is no easy way, can't you see that? There are no shortcuts. Life is just a big road where you don't have shortcuts to your destinations. Every other person has a different life road, they have more life goals or just a few ergo more or less roads to follow. I feel like I have a road to happiness but it is so bumpy, there are too many obstacles, I'm tripping over every obstacle and every time I get hurt, every time I go down and I see that there is nothing ahead that will make me happy I feel like I want to stop, I want to stop walking. I don't want to walk anymore, I've been stumbling for all my life and I don't want to do it anymore, I need to fly now, I need to fly over those obstacles because I can't do them, I'm not that strong, I'm so emotional and fragile. This road to love that I am supposed to have, it's way too long and there's nothing on it but rocks and crap that I sometimes step into. I have stepped in crap almost all my life and I just need something good to happen to me. I didn't deserve this, I didn't deserve this road, I have deserved a better road, I need a road that will lead me to someone, I need a better road that will lead me to happiness because that is what I deserve after a crapload of a shitty life. I wish I could say that I had an amazing childhood but no kid ever had that. Tell me who had a perfect childhood? Name one. Mine was kind of good, I had a good time from time to time but most of the time I was being teased because of my glasses and in general the way I am. Even as a kid I never tried to pretend to be someone just so they would accept me, I was always myself, a shy little girl that no one liked. That shy girl had social problems later in life and so had the difficulty of finding friends, the difficulty of finding a boyfriend which still haunts her.

While Will was traveling I felt good but I also felt like I am missing something, like there is a piece of something that I am, that we are missing, alone time. If not a coffee date then just being together, alone, I miss it, I need it and I bet that he needs it too. After training, I wanted to catch up to him but unfortunately for me, he had training so he stayed at the gym. He was there, right there and I just couldn't go up to him and say 'Can I talk to you?'. I need him and it has been so long since we went out. I know that he said that he'll be there for me but right now he's not and I need him to be next to me, to hug me, just to be next to me, nothing else. I got out of the gym and I just couldn't, I didn't want to go home. I sat down, behind the door and I felt, I felt like I was kicked and I got shattered, I wanted to cry but I was holding it in. I just needed to get my shit together. I wanted to go back, I wanted to come up to him to tell him 'I need you' but that could mean anything and everything and I think it wouldn't be appropriate with others around and also it's not sure how would he interpret that.

Something else broke me even more. When I got back to normal, outside of the gym, I got up and I just.. I felt broken and I needed him so badly that I had to text him. "Hey, when are we going out for coffee?" "Believe me when I say I don't know. I work with that guy that I told you." I... it hit me hard, my eyes were watery but they weren't coming down. I was a bit mad at him but I totally understand so I couldn't be upset for too long. I needed to reply to his text, it would be rude not to and also he would think that I am mad at him, even though I was I didn't want for him to know. I don't know how to respond to it. 'Oh crap' would mean that I am devastated, 'damn it' would mean that I am not happy about it and both means that I care about him and if I say 'that's ok' it would mean that 'it's fine but I'm not happy about it'. So, I sent "Ok, let me know when you're free." Which means 'I don't care but still let me know, I want to see you'.