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17. February 2019.

 It was a fun and great day. Yesterday I didn't want to bother him but I wanted to check the time for today's training. I guess he was thinking the same because I got his text. "I was thinking about the same" I replied and confirmed the time.

When he gave me what I needed we talked about something but I can't remember what was it about because all I know is that I was thinking to myself how cute he is. I was doing a bike while he was doing his exercises. I love watching him while doing pull-ups. I just can't look away when he's doing them. I love when he turns back on me, I love the view, I look at his beautiful ass but when he turns around I love looking at his chest, I mean how can I not. When he does pull-ups his pants fall and I like what I see, that's my favorite part but when he's facing me from the front his shirt lifts and I can see what's underneath those clothes. Will is so sexy. Later he gave me therapy and I was doing it in the hall with them. While I was down and in one moment when he was next to me I told him that I watched his favorite movie yesterday, then he said something about the end and I agreed with him. In a minute when he was back to me I wanted to tell him that I've seen Unbreakable, but he couldn't hear me over the loud music so he crouched beside me. "It is so good, you gotta see it." "Oh, I know, I just can't take the time these days." "I get it. The third one is I think still in cinemas." "I know but it's not out online yet." He went back to his-pull ups. He promised me to play that artist that we like. He played the very best songs and we were both singing out loud. It was so good, we were singing as one and I couldn't believe my ears. We weren't alone so that woman was, of course, complaining about how we are not doing what we need to, she just can't relax and have a good day, she is so uptight. But while singing together I felt like we connected, am I crazy? Am I wrong about this? Am I alone in this? I hope not.

Today I had a minor panic attack. I remembered that it was my friend's birthday, 17th is his birthday and then it hit me. Ten days, ten days. I kept saying that to myself and I couldn't help but freak out. My birthday is in ten days. In ten days I will be twenty-eight. How can you not be terrified? I am almost twenty-eight and I don't have a job, I don't have the experience, how can anyone hire me? Twenty-eight is not little, it's not young. I'm old and I haven't done anything in my life. I want to make a great movie in Italy but I'm not sure if it's going to happen at all but I do have faith and I think it's going to happen but I also want a family. I want to have a man in my life, someone who cares for me, someone who loves me unconditionally, and who believes in me. I want to marry him and be his wife. I want to spend the rest of my life with a guy who loves me that much, who is crazy enough about me to marry me. I want to have kids at least until when I'm thirty-five. I want to have babies and to take care of them, to love them, and to hold them, to be there for my kids and to help them with their homework. I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy but he's the only one that makes me that way, he is the only one who truly makes me happy and I want that. I am so scared that I won't have that. I know that he doesn't feel the same and I am terrified because I know that my happiness is with him and how can I ever have that if he won't let me love him the way I want to. I want to be able to hug him, to kiss him, I want him to hold me and never let go because I need him. He's my everything and I want him. I am so scared to love someone else, I don't want to love anyone else but him. Is that wrong to say? If someone else comes into my life I don't want to love them because I love him and I just can't and I don't want to love anyone else. I know this is wrong to say, how can I say all this but what can I do when I feel like this. These are my feelings, this is how I feel about him and I can't change that. No one can change that. I know I'm being selfish when I say that I want only him but I feel so connected with him, I feel so safe with him and I feel like I am home, like I belong there. Like I am home, it feels like I am finally home.