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28. May 2019.

 I said so many things yesterday and I want to say that I didn't mean them but how can I not. It's been too long, he had enough time to ask me out, if he likes me, I guess I'm not likable. There has been enough time to go out, to start something and maybe to start some kind of a relationship and by seeing where we are I don't think that this is going to happen, I still have hope because I really like him and I always start crying when I think about my life without him and I don't want to have that, I don't want to live a life where I don't have Will. Am I being unreal? Am I being unrealistic? Maybe? But this is me, what am I supposed to do? This is how I feel, this is what I think and if you don't like it then stop reading. I am just a girl who is writing her emotions in a journal because this is the only way I can release them. I don't trust anyone because I don't have that one person that I trust whom I can tell anything and everything. Well, I do have but he's preoccupied with his own thoughts and emotions that I don't want to burden him. Also, I don't think he wants to listen to me and my issues.

The other day I had an incredible dream. I was dreaming about him and I and it was just so real and personal. He was injured but I was there for him, to take care of him. I remember that I was close to him, that I was touching him, nothing sensual just a touch. I touched his arm and his face. He had a beard but not full beard just that starting point when it's growing back, where you can see the shape of it, it's nice. I had put my hand on his cheek to touch him, to feel him, and to show him that I care about him and that I am here for him, it felt like I was cuddling him but then I snapped out of it because I felt like I went too far. After all, we're not together and I need to respect the boundaries. He was coming up like he wanted to talk about it how this can't happen and so the doctor left us alone. I didn't let him talk so I was telling him how I know what he is feeling and how that won't happen but then I was lying next to him and we were cuddling. The dream was so real that I saw his face clearly and I just didn't want it to end. When I woke up I felt different, I felt like anything is possible. I feel like there's something but also I feel like something or someone is holding back, I know I'm not I'm just scared of telling him but that's not holding it back. He might be holding it back, telling me the truth which I want to know. I know that I keep saying how I need him but it's not just him, it's me too. I am also not doing anything about it, the fear is just too strong and I don't know how to beat it, how to beat the fear of losing someone, the fear of rejection, the fear of hearing the painful truth. I know that I want him to be honest with me but I am scared of hearing the truth. Before he used to tell me how I can do anything if I want it, he was encouraging me how I can do it. So, before I do this I got to tell myself that I can do this and that there are no obstacles that I can't conquer. First of all, I need to think about myself in a positive way like I am pretty and I am smart and good looking and I can ask him out because I can and I know that he'll say yes just like he said so far.

I'm feeling better now. This morning I felt like crap, I don't know why but I still feel like that only less. I feel better when I write. This morning I was so blue, so sad that I wanted to cry for no reason but I didn't because I have no reason to do so. Maybe it was just one of those days. I have to change this mood fast, I don't want to mope all day for no reason. Today is planning day, I love him and I have to do something about it.