Take a look inside

31. October 2019.

 You have to know what you want in your life and then act on it, take what you want and live your life happy, with the knowledge that you did your best to make it happen.

My life story is not that great and not that important but it is important to me because I want to live it fully. I may have little things in life that make me happy but they matter to me. I may not be putting any effort into my career because of many things. Career is not my priority it's just a necessity for living my life because what I really want to do with my life needs a lot of experience in the field which I don't have and at my age, I should have done at least one project and I have none so I can't expect to be this great thing if I have no path to go. The only thing that can save my career is a connection which I have none, well I thought that I had one or I wanted to think that I have one but it was just my imagination.

As far as my love life goes it's nothing better than my career, well... you know that. I still have hope and I think that this is going somewhere or I may be blinded by the love I have for him, it could be both. My love is turning into a regular thing where I can say it like it's no big deal and of course, I can't say that to him even though I almost did. I feel like we are getting closer and closer but there is this thing. Do you know when I say how Will is there for me? Well... he is but not every time when I need him. I'm scared. I'm scared that I can be a pain in the ass, that he doesn't want to deal with my stuff, that I may be a burden, that I bother him with texts that are not training related. I'm scared about a lot of things especially me telling him how I feel and that's just not my cup of tea.

Love is weird and complicated. You always scale things like if he likes you or not, should you ask him out or should you wait for him to do it, are we friends or going for something more, does he ever think about me? You never know for sure so you have to either ask or keep scaling in your head. Nothing is simple anymore.

Being happy is the most important thing in life. I know that there are sad moments, dark moments in life, I personally know that but you need to fight it, to push it out from your life so you can live better, so you can live the life that you made it yourself. You are the only one who can manage your life to live the way you want to, take it, make it good, make it fun, find what makes you happy and be happy. I found what makes me happy and I am fighting to make it mine. Happiness is in the small things but the real question is how to make that happiness permanent. You need to accomplish something to have that. When is that going to happen? Soon? In a couple of months? In a year? When you really think about it, are you really happy? Have we accomplished everything that makes us happy or are we still doing it? Are we really happy with our lives? Are you?